Rage, Lithium, Turkeys, and Iron

So many things going on since last I posted---so many, many things. I do apologize for my absence, but as you shall see, I have had a lot going on!

First...when I made my last post, I was obviously very upset. I make no apologies for it either, and I am still quite angry. Rather, it incited a rather heated discussion on Facebook. I won't share names, but this was the response to my post from one unsuspecting friend of my mother:

"No one is forcing anyone to borrow the money from the gov't or anyone else. It was a choice. I'll speak for myself personally & probably for a large majority of others when I say at the time I got the loans I was grateful for them &I certainly wasn't badmouthing the gov't about lending me the money. But when it comes time to pay them back it's a blow to your budget. We want to spend our new money on nice things, new cars, fun stuff. Not paying back a stinking $20, $40, $60,000 loan. Funny how we then blame the gov't for lending us the money & all of a sudden all the choices we made are their fault. If your students are paying back double what they borrowed it's only because they've put their loans in forbearance for many years. I know that first hand. I tacked on $20,000 to my loan by doing that. Once again my fault, not the gov't's. If they are paying double, their interest rate is what, 200%? My interest rate on my loan is 5%. Better than any interest rate except for possibly a mortgage. No one blames credit card companies for lending them money @ 19, 21 or 24% interest. But it's the big bad gov't fault for our student loans. Just suck it up, budget for it, start paying it back and be grateful you live in the greatest country in the world where opportunities are only based on how bad you want to make them come to fruition!"

I awoke to this in the very early hours of the morning (read 10-11am for me, haha--I love my job, even if its not enough to buy the government a house!). Needless to say I was almost immediately upright, cigarette in hand, typing away. My response is as follows:

First, I am still grateful for the government lending me money to get an education. And I have no problem paying them back, but double what they loaned me is a bit extreme, but I'll further explain that in a moment. The choices I made are not at all the government's fault, I made those choices, and its good that I did or I would have been living with my parents through the hell of a divorce that happened when I was in college. So believe me, I am probably more grateful than most for those student loans because they did more than give me an education, but also served to shield me from a small amount of the hurt of all of that. Paying it back is not an inconvenience, I have been planning to pay them back. It's not because I would rather buy nice shiny things or a new car. I would, however, like to be able to afford at least an apartment and utilities; to be able to live independently as an adult. Which I don't think is much to ask, and will likely not happen any time soon. There is research data showing that the cost of an education is exponentially higher than it was when you were in school, and yet median salary has stagnated, if not decreased, compared the cost of living, at least for the middle class. (see http://www.thesimpledollar.com/a-dose-of-financial-reality/ and http://www.economist.com/.../2011/09/us-household-income) That is something the government could help with; control the price of education a bit better so it is actually feasible for young adults to pay back their loans considering the job they have (and yes, there are income based repayment plans, but, in my experience, they are not very realistic. For example, instead of a $300 a month payment, a $250. Which would be fine, if I had no other bills...which I do, even living with family.) I was, however, shocked to see that when I finish paying them off I will have paid twice what I borrowed. And no, my loans have not been in forbearance for many years. I hardly tacked anything on to my loans with what little forebearance they have been in; I haven't had to pay because of financial hardship deferments. By that, the government realizes that if the expected payment is more than 20% of your income, it's likely you wont be able to pay your other bills. For which I am very, very grateful. But no, that is not why I am paying double. My interest rate is 6.25 which sounds totally reasonable. I am not angry about how much I actually owe them, but that the interest I will have paid them in 30 years is almost exactly how much I borrowed. So what I end up paying is twice what I borrowed. If we actually want to encourage kids to go to school, see the economy grow, reduce the poverty level...how about not having students pay back twice what they originally needed to get a degree which has the working capacity of a high school diploma for your generation. That is, a bachelors is what's required to enter the work force anywhere more than a few dollars above minimum wage. And no, I do not blame banks and credit cards for charging ridiculous interest rates and ending up paying two or three times what you spent. Because they are a business, a for profit corporation. Their goal is to make money by nature of being a business. The reason I'm upset with, as you said "the big bad government" is that they are NOT a business. They are our representatives and should not be profiting off of education---certainly not to the extent that I pay them double what I borrowed which is effectively discouraging me from being able to do things good for the economy like buy a house or things that are good for the population, like donating to charity. Thus, to me, it is no wonder that our economy is not exactly doing so hot---the 20 somethings, who, when you were 20, were working, owning houses, having children, are now either staying in school because they can't find jobs or making barely enough to afford to live on their own, if they can even do that (about which I have seen plenty of moaning from the older generations). So no, I'm not happy with the government, not because it's their fault I took out student loans, but because I think the government should be helping it's citizens live the "American dream" not contributing to the factors holding us back. Helping us realize our educational and career goals,and then not, what feels and almost looks like, punishing us for doing so. And yes, I will pay whatever it is I have to pay, but the government should not be profiting off of educating it's citizens. And the idea that opportunity is based only off of how hard you work is much less possible now than it was for your generation. Again, there is data showing that. I am not just bad mouthing the government in order to piss someone off or because I want someone to blame for my choices. I am legitimately disgusted with the government profiting off of education and making it hard for me to live with myself telling my students that college is a good investment, knowing that they will likely be even more screwed than my generation is when they come out of school with even higher student loans---not because they got a better education or a more advanced degree, but simply because they did what everyone told us to do and went to college. To come out with dismal job prospects at best and a sack of loans many times higher than your generation. 

I have not heard further. I do so love shoving data in someone's face when they are flat out wrong. But, I digress. 

Another update, new doctor has me trying Lithium. This is one of the few mood stabilizers I have never tried, and, honestly, I'm not really sure how I feel about it. I have been on it for 4 days now and I feel like crap!
Upside: I'm sleeping like a baby.
Downside: I only sleep like said baby when I CAN sleep, but I'm always sleepy.

I've been having this horrible new thing (before the lithium, even) which appears to be termed "sleep paralysis." Essentially, when you fall asleep your brain semi-paralyzes your muscles so that you don't, for example,  beat up your significant other or otherwise act out your dreams in the night. However, some people, sometimes, aren't quite asleep when that happens, and you end up being somewhat aware, somewhat dreaming, but ultimately alert enough to realize you cannot move. It is honestly the most terrifying thing I have ever in my life experienced. For some people this is just simply the terror of feeling like you are paralyzed, which is terrifying enough on its own. I have the fortunate luck of being one of an even fewer number of people who also have some sort of nightmare associated with this situation. Not only can I not move or scream, but I feel as though something is pulling me. Sometimes pulling me into the bed, sometimes off the bed, sometimes away from my boyfriend, sometimes by the hair, sometimes pulling my legs apart...although I never see this "thing" I know it is somehow dark, foreboding, and trying very hard to hurt me. Sometimes it is smothering me so when I do finally wake up, I am gasping for air (although I wasn't apparently holding my breath...according to the boyfriend.) Equally scary is that, even if I am able to wake up, I almost immediately fall back into the nightmare. And whatever the "thing" is...it is considerably more angry and violent each time.

When this first started happening, it wasn't terrible, and I realized that with a WHOLE LOT of focus I could move my fingers or toes or mumble "help" and things like that That worked for a while, although my boyfriend may or may not have (he hasn't specified) loved that the solution for me to wake up was to sleep almost fused to him with a death grip on his wrist so I could squeeze his hand for him to wake me up. After a couple weeks of this, the dreams disappeared...and then I started the lithium. This evil thing is back with a vengeance. I can no longer move my fingers or even mumble words as I previously could. In the dream however, I think I am. I feel like I finally managed to scream "help" or grab his wrist. I did a little research after about an hour in and out of these a few nights ago. I stumbled upon the advice that if you can't get out of the cycle, when you wake up, sit up and look at something bright. So if I find myself having this nightmare, as soon as I wake up, I get up, light a cigarette and read a chapter or two of a book on the brightest setting my little tablet can manage. It seems to help a great deal.

So there's that--I'm hoping the side effects, and nightmares, will subside as my body gets used to the new medicine. Will have to update as it goes though!

And then, this week was Thanksgiving! Generally I am not a big fan of November, December, nor their respective holidays. Lots of drama in my family in these months: deaths, births (of illegitimate half-brother), divorces, anger, obligation, travel, trauma....I generally hate this time of year. I vowed this year to TRY to enjoy the holidays this year. It is hard, but I am proud of myself for my cooking adventures.

On the festive Turkey Day, I decided I wanted to cook food that felt like Thanksgiving to me (read: really strange, really old, really delicious southern food that I'm pretty sure you have to have been raised eating to really love). I made cornbread for the first time ever with no help from any of the professionals in the family seeing as they are at home and I am in Indiana. It was a glorious success!
Only to be crumbled up to make some cornbread dressing. Another first ever for me. Only had my mom via phone to guide me---there were lots of references to pancake batter, jello, and pudding to explain consistency desired/obtained. It came out pretty well also!! Of course, it will never be as good as my mom or grandmother's because of the love and all that, but it was close enough to home for me! So putting my best food forward for this holiday season, as we Southerners do...wish me luck as we head into Christmas and attempt to plan a trip home that involved NEITHER being stuck in central Indiana for 3 days during the freakin' Polar Vortex NOR a disastrous sledding incident in which I managed to break my tailbone and make other various major skeletal rearrangements. So drink to that for me...I certainly  am!

Speaking of drinking....WAR EAGLE baby!! As I type this, Auburn is currently whooping some Bama butt, and I really hope it stays that way through the rest of the game. Alabama too often needs to be put in their place and those Auburn boys certainly love to give it to them!  Currently awaiting an official review....and AUBURN COMES OUT WITH POSSESSION OF THE BALL! WOooooooo!

For those of you reading who do not know the fierce Alabama/Auburn Rivalry, it evidently started in 1873 and has since continued the weekend after Thanksgiving at what is known as The Iron Bowl. There is much bad blood between the two schools, most recent and notable being the idiot who poisoned the historic trees on Auburn's campus and then called into a radio station to claim his misdeed. This was poor sportsmanship in its worst, and he was, I believe, brought up on charges and, I'm sure, taken out to the woods to be dealt with Deliverance style by Auburn and Bama fans alike. Hard to believe there was a line to be crossed, but this fellow surely did. 

Lessons to be learned this week: don't try to out-data me, sleep paralysis is bloody terrifying, and there are two things you can never do better than a Southerner---food and football! We're bred to cook good food and live, breathe, die football...fortunately I manage to suppress the football thing until Iron Bowl day. So far Auburn's winning....one quarter left...cross your fingers...

War Eagle Ya'll !

Delays....And Europe.

First, sorry for the delay in my posting. I have not been feeling well, and just couldn't think of what to write. However, the government kindly handed me a topic this evening. I am fuming and livid at this country and how screwed up it is. This was my initial stream of consciousness response to my anger of realizing that in order to pay off my $40k in student loans, I will end up paying $80k back to the government. I will perhaps form a more comprehensive, less colorful response once I locate a beer and my anxiety meds. No promises on less colorful though.

Ok, I am truly and completely pissed at America right now---you wonder why our generation is called the Lost Generation? Really?

I have one, of many, reasons for ya: Our federal student loans---to get a BACHELORS DEGREE---we ultimately have to pay back twice! Literally, just pulled up my student loan info because I am supposed to start paying it back soon---the interest I "will have payed" by 2039 is about 1k less than the actual loan amount. For a public, in-state school. A degree I don't--and CAN'T---use. And you wonder why we're not all married, homeowners with kids? We can't afford it. We are too busy paying back for a pretty sheet of paper from the god awful American education system to even THINK about owning a house or supporting a family.

How about instead of screwing all of us over by making us pay you back what you loaned us and then pay you that over again because you were just oh so helpful in the first place you really deserve a tip---how about you give us a reason to believe America is still the best country to live in. Where I stand, right now, I have an education I worked my ass off for, cannot find a job doing because I am not in the boy's club, and will pay for twice over to a government who is sitting on their ass.....oh, excuse me, they are standing...and stomping their feet and screaming "BUT MOM I WANT TO BE IN CHARGE!" and holding their breath until they get their way.

Fine, you got your way...fucking do something useful with it. Its called compromise, find your local 2 year old and ask them about it, I'm pretty sure it's like day 3 of preschool.

And while you're at it, get your head out of our country's uteruses and/or bedrooms and worry about, oh I don't know, national debt, health care, terrorism, poverty, homelessness....anything that is actually YOUR business.

I want to move to Europe. This country is outrageously screwed up. And no, I don't blame Republicans. Or Democrats. It's everyone's fault. We have let this go on. Until we start doing SOMETHING DIFFERENT we are all just stagnating, collectively until we fade out and die. Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. --Einstein

In Which We Save America?

So before I truly begin this post, you simply must go read the open letter I am using as a sort of jumping off point; jumping off with the most absolute reverence imaginable. Letter To The Millenials--Jonathan Taplin

I actually first ran across responses to this letter from both a Gen X and a Millenial whilst piddling around on LinkedIn. I, of course, had to go back and read everything in chronological order, but, at the end, it all struck a deep, resonant chord within me. I have been planning to write about this for weeks, but have just found the time and soundness of mind to do so.

Taplin's letter is to, what I believe is, a college level communications class. I can't be sure what level precisely, but I imagine we aren't exactly dealing with incoming freshmen. At any rate, the topics he brings up and the manner in which he sets forth his class opening are quite revolutionary for me, personally, to hear from a Baby Boomer (although it could be that I am just not exposed to the most forward minded of Boomers). 

I'll start with this quote:

The bottom line is that the world has come a long way, but from my perspective, we’re also living in uniquely worrisome times; my generation had dreams of how to make a better life that have remained woefully unfulfilled (leaving many of us cynical and disillusioned), but at the same time your generation has been saddled with the wreckage of our attempts and are now facing what may seem to be insurmountable odds. I’m writing this letter in the hopes that it will help set the stage for a truly cross-generational dialogue over the next sixteen weeks, in which I help you understand the contexts and choices that have brought us where we are today, and in which you help me, and one another, figure out the best way to move forward from here.

When I first read this, I was shocked. The Baby Boomers I come into contact with are sadly not interested in accepting anything but staunchly one-sided legislature and assuming that we Millennials are why the world is in the shape it is in today. There seems to be a lack of acceptance of responsibility by anyone at all, in fact. 

Professor Taplin goes on to explain that his generation was dealt not only great national tragedy through the assassination of their political heroes, but also that they turned away from politics to escape that pain. During this time, some of the best entertainment and art was produced, and it was also the top selling entertainment of the time. Whereas now, the most artistic and thoughtful works of art (be it music, visual, or any other form) are no longer mainstream. What is main stream are the mass produced pop and hip-hop performers who fade in and out of our lives rarely producing anything as memorable as the music that came about from the Boomers' time (which, honestly, a considerable number of us Millenials are turning back to). 

Side note: Some of the music I am currently catching dribbling out of my radio is a matter for another day though, but it is in my notes to discuss at some length.

Taplin also goes into how his generation also is experiencing extreme disappointment in how politics failed to actually improve the average American's life. The figures in his letter indicate that the median salary for the male worker has actually decreased since 1969! He makes so many excellent points that I could spend all day worshiping this piece of writing (one being that art could be a vehicle for bringing about change), but it ultimately leads into some of the same questions that I find myself (and my peers) worrying ourselves deeply over. More importantly, perhaps he offers the potential to finding the solutions to some of them as well.

As to those questions: Why is it that most Americans are stuck in middle class (if they have managed to even pull that off) while a tiny percentage own the vast majority of the wealth? Why has wealth become the tool with which government legislation happens? Why has our government become so obsessed with policing the entire world rather than policing our own policies? Why has our country become so divided along party lines that we are incapable of actually passing legislation? How are we, the Millennials who will be left with all of this, supposed to cope with and overcome the ever increasing pile of disasters on America and the world's plate?

I cannot possibly argue that there are not problems with my generation. We are certainly, at times, far too technology obsessed. We tend to be very focused on ourselves, our goals, and our comfort. However, there are enough of us conscious of the fact that the country is currently failing as a whole in terms of correctly serving the American public to begin to start trying to find a solution. However, none of us are in the boy's club (literally, often times) and, thus, we are met with condescension far too often when we try to enter into these conversations.

Every time even the notion of discussing politics comes up between myself and my parents, grandparents, etc it is met with a complete shut out. A total and utter refusal to even discuss the idea that maybe we could find some common ground. I am a liberal. I have betrayed my good ol' southern Baptist roots, and I (don't tell anybody at the church or, heaven forbid, my Grandmother just might be kicked out of potlucks) might almost be a democrat! 

It is time for this to stop. There should be no argument coming from anyone that any political parties are currently working as they should and for whom they should.

The Republicans have, of late, been adopting the 4-year old tantrum strategy. While this is very effective for some 4 YEAR OLDS, it is not an effective way to run a country. You lost the election...twice. Put on your big girl panties, deal with it, and do your job. You wonder why the Republicans are losing the younger voters? Women voters? It's because they are too busy worrying about stamping their feet and who is in who's vagina to actually do their job. So no, I don't want you deciding who is president next. 

If you don't like President Obama's policies and you think he is being a dictator, then stop sitting around with your fingers up your noses saying "I won't do anything if Obama likes it" and start coming up with suggestions that actually might work. You can just throw out the complete opposite of what Obama says either; that's no more helpful than flipping your boogers at him (which you must also really stop doing). There has to be some compromise between everyone.

The Democrats aren't much better either---they are just the older sibling that no one particularly likes. The Tattle-tale running about D.C. making sure everyone knows that the Republicans aren't doing anything, but what exactly are they doing? They can't get anyone to cooperate either. Maybe they are trying, but ultimately, they are failing. So I don't particularly want them deciding who is president next either. 

I honestly don't like much of anything going on in Washington because, so far as I can tell, nothing of any actual use is getting done BY ANYONE! So stop with the standing outside the post office saying "Impeach Obama," because unless you've something to show me that actually constitutes impeachment, you are part of the problem. 

All of America currently wants to stand around and point fingers at who screwed up. We all did---no one did----does it even matter who did?

Clearly the old boy's club model is not cutting it anymore. We need a new game plan. Everyone to the co-ed locker room, get the chalk, let's draw some stuff, see what we've got, and figure this pile of disasters out for God's sake!

The bigger question here is this: how do we fix it? The answer is right in Professor Taplin's letter to his class. We stop this feudal atmosphere between conservatives and liberals, parents and children, and we sit down together to talk about why these decisions were made to begin with. 

To our elders: What were you hoping for your/our future to look like? What legislation did you think was going to make that change? What aspect of our country failed to foster that change or fulfill its obligations to make that change? You are supposed to be the wiser, more experienced ones in this situation. Where do you see opportunities to make changes that might lead us closer to that goal?

And, Millenials, we should be asking of ourselves, what do we think our future should look like? How do we take apart the situation our country is currently in and tease it out into something manageable? Though, I doubt very seriously it will be done without the help of our parents and grandparents, so go on and suck that up here and now. What is it that we want for America? How can we correct short-comings of current and previous policies that contained, within them, great ideas, and make them modern, functioning, prosperous policies? 

And to everyone: How do we stop fighting with each other about our beliefs and get down to pulling this country back together? We don't really have a leg to stand on until we can at least all sit in a room together without trying to blow each other up over differences about abortion, gay marriage, birth control, and so on and so forth. If America, or the world for that matter, falls to pieces or we blow ourselves up we will have no social issues to fuss, fight, and kill over. Put it aside, there are bigger things afoot.

I would love nothing more than sit and have a chat with Professor Taplin. If for no other reason, than to witness an actual Boomer who is willing to not only share with me his perspective, but also listen to my perspective. To have someone to discuss these things with, and brainstorm ideas of how to  start the wheels of change moving not as separate generations, but as a united front of citizens with different experiences and beliefs who are all fighting for the same thing: the American dream--in whatever we, together, decide that will be.