An Open Letter to President Obama

Dear President Obama, 

First, I readily admit that I did not vote for you the first time you ran. I was young and not informed; rather, I just voted as my family said we should vote. However, by the time your second run came around I had been out in the world for a couple years, and I had made myself considerably more informed of the goings-on of my country. I voted for you with confidence. Confidence that you might be able to rise above the corporation driven Washington that I see leading my country. Confidence that you would reform healthcare at all costs. Confidence that you would make the changes you promised; changes that affect Millenials like myself, families who are struggling to even eat, the fat-cats of corporate America, and everyone out there losing faith in America.

When I left my first "real-job" in scientific research, because of a complete disenchantment (or perhaps reality check) with the way in which projects are funded and science is governed in this country, I left with conviction and confidence that I was following the American dream. Having the guts to say, "this makes me miserable, and I don't want to be miserable anymore," and actually leaving to start over was something I was proud of. Even my grandparents said they were proud of me because I wasn't going to settle for miserable, but wanted to actively try to find something better. I was only able to do this because of your newly (at the time) enacted Affordable Care statute that allowed me to go back on my father's insurance until I was 26. At that point, I had faith that anything was possible, and that I lived in a country that fostered that spirit within its children by allowing us time to figure out our lives.

Even when I was just about to turn 26, in February 2014, the transition from my father's insurance to the healthcare exchange was seamless and stress-free. In fact, I had better insurance at a lower premium, and I could stay with the doctor's I had worked to establish relationships with for 2 years. I was ecstatic and hopeful. I had a job that I loved, though not full time, and cared enough about its part-time employees to contribute a stipend to help me further pay my monthly premiums. Having had bipolar disorder since I was 19, these relationships and not having to play doctor hop-scotch was crucial to my even being able to continue to work. Without those relationships, I would not have survived the last year. I have spent the last 11 months of my life battling medication failures, injuries, and severe pain. Aside from the physical manifestations, my moods were completely out of control and I frequently fell back into the suicidal thoughts I try so hard to avoid. So thank you for that.

As the year wraps up though, I have lost all of my confidence in this country and have begun to lose confidence in myself. While these may seem to be individual, perhaps selfish reasons to some, the truth is that for every one person like me, there are far more who are even worse off financially and health-wise. In a matter of two months, my fiance and I have gone from feeling like we would finally be able to afford to move out on our own. Around November, we crunched all the numbers, and it looked like we could actually be adults. I don't think that's asking much really; a 26 and 21 year old couple who want only to be able to rent a simple apartment and begin our life together, while keeping the power on. And it looked like we could do it even though we were both still only part-time employees.

However, as my student loan's forbearance ended and open enrollment for 2015 insurance opened, I felt like I had been slammed into a brick wall at warp speed.

You see, I managed to make just slightly more money this year than I did last; less than $25,000 though since I am only part-time. 

I consolidated my student loans only to find out that I will not only be paying the government back $40,000 I borrowed to get a degree that I have only even looked at once, but also $40,000 in interest for borrowing that money. I am grateful for my degree, but I have probably not even made much over $80,000 since I graduated college in 2010. Effectively, I felt like I had been taken for a fool by my own government acting as a loan shark. I was planning to pay my student loans; that was part of my number crunching. However, when the paperwork came back I first saw the $80,000 total paid back by the time I am 50 and some odd years old, then I saw that my "income driven repayment" plan requires me to pay $187--I'd love to see what formula was used to figure up that I could afford that payment every month. Naturally, I was upset, but thought I didn't have to start paying until January, and I could work it out by then. But then three nights ago, about 1 am, I received an email informing me my payment was due December 21st. Less than 10 days notice that my forbearance was cancelled and I had to come up with nearly $200 I wasn't budgeted for.

And then, my fiance and I started to look for health insurance; this was when I started to lose my faith in everything. My $80 a month premium is set to go up to about $150, has a higher deductible, and higher out of pocket costs because I made that little bit more this year. His, well, his premium was $26 a month, and he couldn't see any of the specialists he needs because the only covered specialists are at minimum a 40 minute drive of us. He can't go to the largest mental health provider in the 3 counties here because they aren't covered. Naturally, we wanted to get him better insurance so he could see someone about a back injury and depression. His premium, to keep the same insurance, is set to go up to well over $100 for 2015 as well. Mind you, he went from full time to part time this year, and made less than he did last year because of this. So we had a solution, we'll go ahead and get married at the courthouse and just have a real wedding later. The insurance together would be less and he could have the same access I have to doctors, right? Admittedly, so far as premiums are concerned we are ever so slightly better off. We might be able to get away with around $200-250 a month in premiums. However, that is with a $4,000-6,000 deductible before the insurance would pay for much.

I should hope that at this point you understand my disappointment. Considering bills we already have to pay (car insurance, phones, internet required for my job) while living with family, tacking on another $400 or more every month, already puts our hopes of being able to move out on our own further from--more likely completely out of--our grasp. And then there's the deductible---what good does it do to pay all that money in premium (which will be difficult at best) when we still have to pay a minimum of $4000 in deductibles. Sure, we could use our tax refund---which was going to help us pay security deposits, first and last months rent, have some money in savings for emergencies. How is this affordable?

I am 26 years old. I have a college degree, nearly 8 years experience working in scientific research, and 2 years experience teaching test preparation now. I did everything right. Everything that teachers, parents, counselors---everyone---said I needed to do so I could be a successful adult, I did it. I didn't have sex until after I finished high school even because I wasn't supposed to. I didn't try drugs. I went straight to college. I took classes through summers. I got a job in my field. I left that field. Found a new one. Yet, here I am nearly 3 years later, still living with my fiance's parents (who barely make ends meet anyway, and we help), adding just enough more money to my income for some formula somewhere to decide I can afford even more. I feel cheated, again, by my country. I followed the rules and I work hard. I am passionate and loving. I live everyday making every effort to help anyone I come across, but I don't feel like this country is doing the same for any of its citizens short of those who can benefit the government itself in return. Moreover, and far more frustrating, I feel like I'm being punished for working hard and trying to make more of my life.

I see the entire Chicago and Northwestern Indiana area struggling with similar problems. One step forward, then kicked in the teeth 8 steps back. I see my students whose education depends solely on where they live. Students in Chicago proper who are no where near college ready, and students in the suburbs who might as well be superheroes considering their resumes getting rejected from their dream schools. My fiance's family is struggling because his grandmother's insurance changed because his grandfather's company no longer wanted to pay the benefits to spouses of deceased employees as they had been. His mother works as a manager, making barely over minimum wage---and found out their "affordable healthcare" is going to more than triple this year as well. My own mother is crippled financially because left my father (who made nearly three times her salary) after he had an affair. She actually stood up to him and left, and has felt nothing but punished and miserable since. She has only just been able to move out of her own parent's home, and is ever on the verge of having to go back.

I feel guilty telling my students that going to college, or graduate school, or medical school is what they should do. I feel guilty because I know that, in my experience, no matter how hard you work or follow the rules, you'll never get ahead. In fact, the longer you go to school the worse off you'll be because you will graduate owing twice what you borrowed and more than you are likely to make any time soon. Should you though, get one single toe ahead of the ever pressing bills and living expenses to where you MIGHT be able to be more comfortable in life---you are promptly kicked back on your ass.

So, as I write this letter tonight, I sincerely hope that you see it and read it. I know I am not alone in these same fears. Our country is not the best country in the world anymore. That, in and of itself, is devastating for me to even say. I am sure that there are many things going on in the world that I do not know of or understand, but I do understand that the government is supposed to be of the people and for the people. But from where I, and millions of others, stand, the government is actively cherry-picking who the people they want are and actively working against the rest of us. 

I do not expect my situation to change on its own, and I will adapt. I will keep fighting, because I deserve to have the live I have always dreamed of and have worked for. I will fight any and everyone who gets in my way until the day I die in pursuit of what I have earned. But we shouldn't have to fight.

I ask of you only two things: imagine, for just a second, that you were in my shoes. Pretend that you are 26 and realizing you cannot have the wedding you always imagined because you need to get married sooner so you can even hope to afford health insurance, after which there may or may not be enough money to have the small wedding I have dreamed of since I was a little girl and definitely no money to live as a newly married couple. Imagine that you and your wife cannot afford even a one bedroom apartment. Imagine that everything YOU worked for, was taken away. And once you have considered how it feels to be in the average Millenial's shoes and maybe grasp part of the crushing desperation felt by not even the worst off in our country, how about we start a candid conversation about how our current leaders and our country's future leaders can stop arguing and start making this the best country in the world again. We are already going downhill exponentially faster with every passing day, but without an open dialogue between us, the people, and those who represent us translating to actionable changes, we will be globally irrelevant far sooner than the Founding Fathers ever intended.

Sincerely

K Branyon

Rage, Lithium, Turkeys, and Iron

So many things going on since last I posted---so many, many things. I do apologize for my absence, but as you shall see, I have had a lot going on!

First...when I made my last post, I was obviously very upset. I make no apologies for it either, and I am still quite angry. Rather, it incited a rather heated discussion on Facebook. I won't share names, but this was the response to my post from one unsuspecting friend of my mother:

"No one is forcing anyone to borrow the money from the gov't or anyone else. It was a choice. I'll speak for myself personally & probably for a large majority of others when I say at the time I got the loans I was grateful for them &I certainly wasn't badmouthing the gov't about lending me the money. But when it comes time to pay them back it's a blow to your budget. We want to spend our new money on nice things, new cars, fun stuff. Not paying back a stinking $20, $40, $60,000 loan. Funny how we then blame the gov't for lending us the money & all of a sudden all the choices we made are their fault. If your students are paying back double what they borrowed it's only because they've put their loans in forbearance for many years. I know that first hand. I tacked on $20,000 to my loan by doing that. Once again my fault, not the gov't's. If they are paying double, their interest rate is what, 200%? My interest rate on my loan is 5%. Better than any interest rate except for possibly a mortgage. No one blames credit card companies for lending them money @ 19, 21 or 24% interest. But it's the big bad gov't fault for our student loans. Just suck it up, budget for it, start paying it back and be grateful you live in the greatest country in the world where opportunities are only based on how bad you want to make them come to fruition!"

I awoke to this in the very early hours of the morning (read 10-11am for me, haha--I love my job, even if its not enough to buy the government a house!). Needless to say I was almost immediately upright, cigarette in hand, typing away. My response is as follows:

First, I am still grateful for the government lending me money to get an education. And I have no problem paying them back, but double what they loaned me is a bit extreme, but I'll further explain that in a moment. The choices I made are not at all the government's fault, I made those choices, and its good that I did or I would have been living with my parents through the hell of a divorce that happened when I was in college. So believe me, I am probably more grateful than most for those student loans because they did more than give me an education, but also served to shield me from a small amount of the hurt of all of that. Paying it back is not an inconvenience, I have been planning to pay them back. It's not because I would rather buy nice shiny things or a new car. I would, however, like to be able to afford at least an apartment and utilities; to be able to live independently as an adult. Which I don't think is much to ask, and will likely not happen any time soon. There is research data showing that the cost of an education is exponentially higher than it was when you were in school, and yet median salary has stagnated, if not decreased, compared the cost of living, at least for the middle class. (see http://www.thesimpledollar.com/a-dose-of-financial-reality/ and http://www.economist.com/.../2011/09/us-household-income) That is something the government could help with; control the price of education a bit better so it is actually feasible for young adults to pay back their loans considering the job they have (and yes, there are income based repayment plans, but, in my experience, they are not very realistic. For example, instead of a $300 a month payment, a $250. Which would be fine, if I had no other bills...which I do, even living with family.) I was, however, shocked to see that when I finish paying them off I will have paid twice what I borrowed. And no, my loans have not been in forbearance for many years. I hardly tacked anything on to my loans with what little forebearance they have been in; I haven't had to pay because of financial hardship deferments. By that, the government realizes that if the expected payment is more than 20% of your income, it's likely you wont be able to pay your other bills. For which I am very, very grateful. But no, that is not why I am paying double. My interest rate is 6.25 which sounds totally reasonable. I am not angry about how much I actually owe them, but that the interest I will have paid them in 30 years is almost exactly how much I borrowed. So what I end up paying is twice what I borrowed. If we actually want to encourage kids to go to school, see the economy grow, reduce the poverty level...how about not having students pay back twice what they originally needed to get a degree which has the working capacity of a high school diploma for your generation. That is, a bachelors is what's required to enter the work force anywhere more than a few dollars above minimum wage. And no, I do not blame banks and credit cards for charging ridiculous interest rates and ending up paying two or three times what you spent. Because they are a business, a for profit corporation. Their goal is to make money by nature of being a business. The reason I'm upset with, as you said "the big bad government" is that they are NOT a business. They are our representatives and should not be profiting off of education---certainly not to the extent that I pay them double what I borrowed which is effectively discouraging me from being able to do things good for the economy like buy a house or things that are good for the population, like donating to charity. Thus, to me, it is no wonder that our economy is not exactly doing so hot---the 20 somethings, who, when you were 20, were working, owning houses, having children, are now either staying in school because they can't find jobs or making barely enough to afford to live on their own, if they can even do that (about which I have seen plenty of moaning from the older generations). So no, I'm not happy with the government, not because it's their fault I took out student loans, but because I think the government should be helping it's citizens live the "American dream" not contributing to the factors holding us back. Helping us realize our educational and career goals,and then not, what feels and almost looks like, punishing us for doing so. And yes, I will pay whatever it is I have to pay, but the government should not be profiting off of educating it's citizens. And the idea that opportunity is based only off of how hard you work is much less possible now than it was for your generation. Again, there is data showing that. I am not just bad mouthing the government in order to piss someone off or because I want someone to blame for my choices. I am legitimately disgusted with the government profiting off of education and making it hard for me to live with myself telling my students that college is a good investment, knowing that they will likely be even more screwed than my generation is when they come out of school with even higher student loans---not because they got a better education or a more advanced degree, but simply because they did what everyone told us to do and went to college. To come out with dismal job prospects at best and a sack of loans many times higher than your generation. 

I have not heard further. I do so love shoving data in someone's face when they are flat out wrong. But, I digress. 

Another update, new doctor has me trying Lithium. This is one of the few mood stabilizers I have never tried, and, honestly, I'm not really sure how I feel about it. I have been on it for 4 days now and I feel like crap!
Upside: I'm sleeping like a baby.
Downside: I only sleep like said baby when I CAN sleep, but I'm always sleepy.

I've been having this horrible new thing (before the lithium, even) which appears to be termed "sleep paralysis." Essentially, when you fall asleep your brain semi-paralyzes your muscles so that you don't, for example,  beat up your significant other or otherwise act out your dreams in the night. However, some people, sometimes, aren't quite asleep when that happens, and you end up being somewhat aware, somewhat dreaming, but ultimately alert enough to realize you cannot move. It is honestly the most terrifying thing I have ever in my life experienced. For some people this is just simply the terror of feeling like you are paralyzed, which is terrifying enough on its own. I have the fortunate luck of being one of an even fewer number of people who also have some sort of nightmare associated with this situation. Not only can I not move or scream, but I feel as though something is pulling me. Sometimes pulling me into the bed, sometimes off the bed, sometimes away from my boyfriend, sometimes by the hair, sometimes pulling my legs apart...although I never see this "thing" I know it is somehow dark, foreboding, and trying very hard to hurt me. Sometimes it is smothering me so when I do finally wake up, I am gasping for air (although I wasn't apparently holding my breath...according to the boyfriend.) Equally scary is that, even if I am able to wake up, I almost immediately fall back into the nightmare. And whatever the "thing" is...it is considerably more angry and violent each time.

When this first started happening, it wasn't terrible, and I realized that with a WHOLE LOT of focus I could move my fingers or toes or mumble "help" and things like that That worked for a while, although my boyfriend may or may not have (he hasn't specified) loved that the solution for me to wake up was to sleep almost fused to him with a death grip on his wrist so I could squeeze his hand for him to wake me up. After a couple weeks of this, the dreams disappeared...and then I started the lithium. This evil thing is back with a vengeance. I can no longer move my fingers or even mumble words as I previously could. In the dream however, I think I am. I feel like I finally managed to scream "help" or grab his wrist. I did a little research after about an hour in and out of these a few nights ago. I stumbled upon the advice that if you can't get out of the cycle, when you wake up, sit up and look at something bright. So if I find myself having this nightmare, as soon as I wake up, I get up, light a cigarette and read a chapter or two of a book on the brightest setting my little tablet can manage. It seems to help a great deal.

So there's that--I'm hoping the side effects, and nightmares, will subside as my body gets used to the new medicine. Will have to update as it goes though!

And then, this week was Thanksgiving! Generally I am not a big fan of November, December, nor their respective holidays. Lots of drama in my family in these months: deaths, births (of illegitimate half-brother), divorces, anger, obligation, travel, trauma....I generally hate this time of year. I vowed this year to TRY to enjoy the holidays this year. It is hard, but I am proud of myself for my cooking adventures.

On the festive Turkey Day, I decided I wanted to cook food that felt like Thanksgiving to me (read: really strange, really old, really delicious southern food that I'm pretty sure you have to have been raised eating to really love). I made cornbread for the first time ever with no help from any of the professionals in the family seeing as they are at home and I am in Indiana. It was a glorious success!
Only to be crumbled up to make some cornbread dressing. Another first ever for me. Only had my mom via phone to guide me---there were lots of references to pancake batter, jello, and pudding to explain consistency desired/obtained. It came out pretty well also!! Of course, it will never be as good as my mom or grandmother's because of the love and all that, but it was close enough to home for me! So putting my best food forward for this holiday season, as we Southerners do...wish me luck as we head into Christmas and attempt to plan a trip home that involved NEITHER being stuck in central Indiana for 3 days during the freakin' Polar Vortex NOR a disastrous sledding incident in which I managed to break my tailbone and make other various major skeletal rearrangements. So drink to that for me...I certainly  am!

Speaking of drinking....WAR EAGLE baby!! As I type this, Auburn is currently whooping some Bama butt, and I really hope it stays that way through the rest of the game. Alabama too often needs to be put in their place and those Auburn boys certainly love to give it to them!  Currently awaiting an official review....and AUBURN COMES OUT WITH POSSESSION OF THE BALL! WOooooooo!

For those of you reading who do not know the fierce Alabama/Auburn Rivalry, it evidently started in 1873 and has since continued the weekend after Thanksgiving at what is known as The Iron Bowl. There is much bad blood between the two schools, most recent and notable being the idiot who poisoned the historic trees on Auburn's campus and then called into a radio station to claim his misdeed. This was poor sportsmanship in its worst, and he was, I believe, brought up on charges and, I'm sure, taken out to the woods to be dealt with Deliverance style by Auburn and Bama fans alike. Hard to believe there was a line to be crossed, but this fellow surely did. 

Lessons to be learned this week: don't try to out-data me, sleep paralysis is bloody terrifying, and there are two things you can never do better than a Southerner---food and football! We're bred to cook good food and live, breathe, die football...fortunately I manage to suppress the football thing until Iron Bowl day. So far Auburn's winning....one quarter left...cross your fingers...

War Eagle Ya'll !

Delays....And Europe.

First, sorry for the delay in my posting. I have not been feeling well, and just couldn't think of what to write. However, the government kindly handed me a topic this evening. I am fuming and livid at this country and how screwed up it is. This was my initial stream of consciousness response to my anger of realizing that in order to pay off my $40k in student loans, I will end up paying $80k back to the government. I will perhaps form a more comprehensive, less colorful response once I locate a beer and my anxiety meds. No promises on less colorful though.

Ok, I am truly and completely pissed at America right now---you wonder why our generation is called the Lost Generation? Really?

I have one, of many, reasons for ya: Our federal student loans---to get a BACHELORS DEGREE---we ultimately have to pay back twice! Literally, just pulled up my student loan info because I am supposed to start paying it back soon---the interest I "will have payed" by 2039 is about 1k less than the actual loan amount. For a public, in-state school. A degree I don't--and CAN'T---use. And you wonder why we're not all married, homeowners with kids? We can't afford it. We are too busy paying back for a pretty sheet of paper from the god awful American education system to even THINK about owning a house or supporting a family.

How about instead of screwing all of us over by making us pay you back what you loaned us and then pay you that over again because you were just oh so helpful in the first place you really deserve a tip---how about you give us a reason to believe America is still the best country to live in. Where I stand, right now, I have an education I worked my ass off for, cannot find a job doing because I am not in the boy's club, and will pay for twice over to a government who is sitting on their ass.....oh, excuse me, they are standing...and stomping their feet and screaming "BUT MOM I WANT TO BE IN CHARGE!" and holding their breath until they get their way.

Fine, you got your way...fucking do something useful with it. Its called compromise, find your local 2 year old and ask them about it, I'm pretty sure it's like day 3 of preschool.

And while you're at it, get your head out of our country's uteruses and/or bedrooms and worry about, oh I don't know, national debt, health care, terrorism, poverty, homelessness....anything that is actually YOUR business.

I want to move to Europe. This country is outrageously screwed up. And no, I don't blame Republicans. Or Democrats. It's everyone's fault. We have let this go on. Until we start doing SOMETHING DIFFERENT we are all just stagnating, collectively until we fade out and die. Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. --Einstein