First...when I made my last post, I was obviously very upset. I make no apologies for it either, and I am still quite angry. Rather, it incited a rather heated discussion on Facebook. I won't share names, but this was the response to my post from one unsuspecting friend of my mother:
"No one is forcing anyone to borrow the money from the gov't or anyone else. It was a choice. I'll speak for myself personally & probably for a large majority of others when I say at the time I got the loans I was grateful for them &I certainly wasn't badmouthing the gov't about lending me the money. But when it comes time to pay them back it's a blow to your budget. We want to spend our new money on nice things, new cars, fun stuff. Not paying back a stinking $20, $40, $60,000 loan. Funny how we then blame the gov't for lending us the money & all of a sudden all the choices we made are their fault. If your students are paying back double what they borrowed it's only because they've put their loans in forbearance for many years. I know that first hand. I tacked on $20,000 to my loan by doing that. Once again my fault, not the gov't's. If they are paying double, their interest rate is what, 200%? My interest rate on my loan is 5%. Better than any interest rate except for possibly a mortgage. No one blames credit card companies for lending them money @ 19, 21 or 24% interest. But it's the big bad gov't fault for our student loans. Just suck it up, budget for it, start paying it back and be grateful you live in the greatest country in the world where opportunities are only based on how bad you want to make them come to fruition!"I awoke to this in the very early hours of the morning (read 10-11am for me, haha--I love my job, even if its not enough to buy the government a house!). Needless to say I was almost immediately upright, cigarette in hand, typing away. My response is as follows:
First, I am still grateful for the government lending me money to get an education. And I have no problem paying them back, but double what they loaned me is a bit extreme, but I'll further explain that in a moment. The choices I made are not at all the government's fault, I made those choices, and its good that I did or I would have been living with my parents through the hell of a divorce that happened when I was in college. So believe me, I am probably more grateful than most for those student loans because they did more than give me an education, but also served to shield me from a small amount of the hurt of all of that. Paying it back is not an inconvenience, I have been planning to pay them back. It's not because I would rather buy nice shiny things or a new car. I would, however, like to be able to afford at least an apartment and utilities; to be able to live independently as an adult. Which I don't think is much to ask, and will likely not happen any time soon. There is research data showing that the cost of an education is exponentially higher than it was when you were in school, and yet median salary has stagnated, if not decreased, compared the cost of living, at least for the middle class. (see http://www.thesimpledollar.com/a-dose-of-financial-reality/ and http://www.economist.com/.../2011/09/us-household-income) That is something the government could help with; control the price of education a bit better so it is actually feasible for young adults to pay back their loans considering the job they have (and yes, there are income based repayment plans, but, in my experience, they are not very realistic. For example, instead of a $300 a month payment, a $250. Which would be fine, if I had no other bills...which I do, even living with family.) I was, however, shocked to see that when I finish paying them off I will have paid twice what I borrowed. And no, my loans have not been in forbearance for many years. I hardly tacked anything on to my loans with what little forebearance they have been in; I haven't had to pay because of financial hardship deferments. By that, the government realizes that if the expected payment is more than 20% of your income, it's likely you wont be able to pay your other bills. For which I am very, very grateful. But no, that is not why I am paying double. My interest rate is 6.25 which sounds totally reasonable. I am not angry about how much I actually owe them, but that the interest I will have paid them in 30 years is almost exactly how much I borrowed. So what I end up paying is twice what I borrowed. If we actually want to encourage kids to go to school, see the economy grow, reduce the poverty level...how about not having students pay back twice what they originally needed to get a degree which has the working capacity of a high school diploma for your generation. That is, a bachelors is what's required to enter the work force anywhere more than a few dollars above minimum wage. And no, I do not blame banks and credit cards for charging ridiculous interest rates and ending up paying two or three times what you spent. Because they are a business, a for profit corporation. Their goal is to make money by nature of being a business. The reason I'm upset with, as you said "the big bad government" is that they are NOT a business. They are our representatives and should not be profiting off of education---certainly not to the extent that I pay them double what I borrowed which is effectively discouraging me from being able to do things good for the economy like buy a house or things that are good for the population, like donating to charity. Thus, to me, it is no wonder that our economy is not exactly doing so hot---the 20 somethings, who, when you were 20, were working, owning houses, having children, are now either staying in school because they can't find jobs or making barely enough to afford to live on their own, if they can even do that (about which I have seen plenty of moaning from the older generations). So no, I'm not happy with the government, not because it's their fault I took out student loans, but because I think the government should be helping it's citizens live the "American dream" not contributing to the factors holding us back. Helping us realize our educational and career goals,and then not, what feels and almost looks like, punishing us for doing so. And yes, I will pay whatever it is I have to pay, but the government should not be profiting off of educating it's citizens. And the idea that opportunity is based only off of how hard you work is much less possible now than it was for your generation. Again, there is data showing that. I am not just bad mouthing the government in order to piss someone off or because I want someone to blame for my choices. I am legitimately disgusted with the government profiting off of education and making it hard for me to live with myself telling my students that college is a good investment, knowing that they will likely be even more screwed than my generation is when they come out of school with even higher student loans---not because they got a better education or a more advanced degree, but simply because they did what everyone told us to do and went to college. To come out with dismal job prospects at best and a sack of loans many times higher than your generation.I have not heard further. I do so love shoving data in someone's face when they are flat out wrong. But, I digress.
Another update, new doctor has me trying Lithium. This is one of the few mood stabilizers I have never tried, and, honestly, I'm not really sure how I feel about it. I have been on it for 4 days now and I feel like crap!
Upside: I'm sleeping like a baby.
Downside: I only sleep like said baby when I CAN sleep, but I'm always sleepy.
I've been having this horrible new thing (before the lithium, even) which appears to be termed "sleep paralysis." Essentially, when you fall asleep your brain semi-paralyzes your muscles so that you don't, for example, beat up your significant other or otherwise act out your dreams in the night. However, some people, sometimes, aren't quite asleep when that happens, and you end up being somewhat aware, somewhat dreaming, but ultimately alert enough to realize you cannot move. It is honestly the most terrifying thing I have ever in my life experienced. For some people this is just simply the terror of feeling like you are paralyzed, which is terrifying enough on its own. I have the fortunate luck of being one of an even fewer number of people who also have some sort of nightmare associated with this situation. Not only can I not move or scream, but I feel as though something is pulling me. Sometimes pulling me into the bed, sometimes off the bed, sometimes away from my boyfriend, sometimes by the hair, sometimes pulling my legs apart...although I never see this "thing" I know it is somehow dark, foreboding, and trying very hard to hurt me. Sometimes it is smothering me so when I do finally wake up, I am gasping for air (although I wasn't apparently holding my breath...according to the boyfriend.) Equally scary is that, even if I am able to wake up, I almost immediately fall back into the nightmare. And whatever the "thing" is...it is considerably more angry and violent each time.
When this first started happening, it wasn't terrible, and I realized that with a WHOLE LOT of focus I could move my fingers or toes or mumble "help" and things like that That worked for a while, although my boyfriend may or may not have (he hasn't specified) loved that the solution for me to wake up was to sleep almost fused to him with a death grip on his wrist so I could squeeze his hand for him to wake me up. After a couple weeks of this, the dreams disappeared...and then I started the lithium. This evil thing is back with a vengeance. I can no longer move my fingers or even mumble words as I previously could. In the dream however, I think I am. I feel like I finally managed to scream "help" or grab his wrist. I did a little research after about an hour in and out of these a few nights ago. I stumbled upon the advice that if you can't get out of the cycle, when you wake up, sit up and look at something bright. So if I find myself having this nightmare, as soon as I wake up, I get up, light a cigarette and read a chapter or two of a book on the brightest setting my little tablet can manage. It seems to help a great deal.
So there's that--I'm hoping the side effects, and nightmares, will subside as my body gets used to the new medicine. Will have to update as it goes though!
And then, this week was Thanksgiving! Generally I am not a big fan of November, December, nor their respective holidays. Lots of drama in my family in these months: deaths, births (of illegitimate half-brother), divorces, anger, obligation, travel, trauma....I generally hate this time of year. I vowed this year to TRY to enjoy the holidays this year. It is hard, but I am proud of myself for my cooking adventures.
On the festive Turkey Day, I decided I wanted to cook food that felt like Thanksgiving to me (read: really strange, really old, really delicious southern food that I'm pretty sure you have to have been raised eating to really love). I made cornbread for the first time ever with no help from any of the professionals in the family seeing as they are at home and I am in Indiana. It was a glorious success!
Only to be crumbled up to make some cornbread dressing. Another first ever for me. Only had my mom via phone to guide me---there were lots of references to pancake batter, jello, and pudding to explain consistency desired/obtained. It came out pretty well also!! Of course, it will never be as good as my mom or grandmother's because of the love and all that, but it was close enough to home for me! So putting my best food forward for this holiday season, as we Southerners do...wish me luck as we head into Christmas and attempt to plan a trip home that involved NEITHER being stuck in central Indiana for 3 days during the freakin' Polar Vortex NOR a disastrous sledding incident in which I managed to break my tailbone and make other various major skeletal rearrangements. So drink to that for me...I certainly am!
Speaking of drinking....WAR EAGLE baby!! As I type this, Auburn is currently whooping some Bama butt, and I really hope it stays that way through the rest of the game. Alabama too often needs to be put in their place and those Auburn boys certainly love to give it to them! Currently awaiting an official review....and AUBURN COMES OUT WITH POSSESSION OF THE BALL! WOooooooo!
For those of you reading who do not know the fierce Alabama/Auburn Rivalry, it evidently started in 1873 and has since continued the weekend after Thanksgiving at what is known as The Iron Bowl. There is much bad blood between the two schools, most recent and notable being the idiot who poisoned the historic trees on Auburn's campus and then called into a radio station to claim his misdeed. This was poor sportsmanship in its worst, and he was, I believe, brought up on charges and, I'm sure, taken out to the woods to be dealt with Deliverance style by Auburn and Bama fans alike. Hard to believe there was a line to be crossed, but this fellow surely did.
Lessons to be learned this week: don't try to out-data me, sleep paralysis is bloody terrifying, and there are two things you can never do better than a Southerner---food and football! We're bred to cook good food and live, breathe, die football...fortunately I manage to suppress the football thing until Iron Bowl day. So far Auburn's winning....one quarter left...cross your fingers...
War Eagle Ya'll !
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