It is beyond atrocious to kill anyone in the name of religion (or for anything else for that matter).
To take the name of God (or whomever you choose to name the guiding being of your life) and contort it into the twisted, disgusting idea that your life is somehow superior to anyone else in the world is to bathe yourself in the blood of the damned. And for that, no God allows those with blood on their hands into his kingdom.
You who are perverting the idea of living a good life into the idea that someone is undeserving of the same freedoms you expect shall perish and pay dearly for your sins.
I try, very hard, not to harbor ill will and willingly admit to sin myself by hoping that you die slowly on the end of a long blade cursing the name of the demon you call your god. I fully believe, though do not assume to speak for anyone else (unlike yourselves), that all people, of all religions would stand with me and condemn you for the snakes and bitter poison that you are on this earth. Many people in this world are bad by some definition, indeed, but to kill those who mock you is an insatiable blood sin that only insures the world's understanding your miserable, self-concerned cult.
May you be victim to the worst of the demons that live among us and below.
Sunday, January 11, 2015
Tuesday, December 16, 2014
An Open Letter to President Obama
Dear President Obama,
First, I readily admit that I did not vote for you the first time you ran. I was young and not informed; rather, I just voted as my family said we should vote. However, by the time your second run came around I had been out in the world for a couple years, and I had made myself considerably more informed of the goings-on of my country. I voted for you with confidence. Confidence that you might be able to rise above the corporation driven Washington that I see leading my country. Confidence that you would reform healthcare at all costs. Confidence that you would make the changes you promised; changes that affect Millenials like myself, families who are struggling to even eat, the fat-cats of corporate America, and everyone out there losing faith in America.
When I left my first "real-job" in scientific research, because of a complete disenchantment (or perhaps reality check) with the way in which projects are funded and science is governed in this country, I left with conviction and confidence that I was following the American dream. Having the guts to say, "this makes me miserable, and I don't want to be miserable anymore," and actually leaving to start over was something I was proud of. Even my grandparents said they were proud of me because I wasn't going to settle for miserable, but wanted to actively try to find something better. I was only able to do this because of your newly (at the time) enacted Affordable Care statute that allowed me to go back on my father's insurance until I was 26. At that point, I had faith that anything was possible, and that I lived in a country that fostered that spirit within its children by allowing us time to figure out our lives.
Even when I was just about to turn 26, in February 2014, the transition from my father's insurance to the healthcare exchange was seamless and stress-free. In fact, I had better insurance at a lower premium, and I could stay with the doctor's I had worked to establish relationships with for 2 years. I was ecstatic and hopeful. I had a job that I loved, though not full time, and cared enough about its part-time employees to contribute a stipend to help me further pay my monthly premiums. Having had bipolar disorder since I was 19, these relationships and not having to play doctor hop-scotch was crucial to my even being able to continue to work. Without those relationships, I would not have survived the last year. I have spent the last 11 months of my life battling medication failures, injuries, and severe pain. Aside from the physical manifestations, my moods were completely out of control and I frequently fell back into the suicidal thoughts I try so hard to avoid. So thank you for that.
As the year wraps up though, I have lost all of my confidence in this country and have begun to lose confidence in myself. While these may seem to be individual, perhaps selfish reasons to some, the truth is that for every one person like me, there are far more who are even worse off financially and health-wise. In a matter of two months, my fiance and I have gone from feeling like we would finally be able to afford to move out on our own. Around November, we crunched all the numbers, and it looked like we could actually be adults. I don't think that's asking much really; a 26 and 21 year old couple who want only to be able to rent a simple apartment and begin our life together, while keeping the power on. And it looked like we could do it even though we were both still only part-time employees.
However, as my student loan's forbearance ended and open enrollment for 2015 insurance opened, I felt like I had been slammed into a brick wall at warp speed.
You see, I managed to make just slightly more money this year than I did last; less than $25,000 though since I am only part-time.
I consolidated my student loans only to find out that I will not only be paying the government back $40,000 I borrowed to get a degree that I have only even looked at once, but also $40,000 in interest for borrowing that money. I am grateful for my degree, but I have probably not even made much over $80,000 since I graduated college in 2010. Effectively, I felt like I had been taken for a fool by my own government acting as a loan shark. I was planning to pay my student loans; that was part of my number crunching. However, when the paperwork came back I first saw the $80,000 total paid back by the time I am 50 and some odd years old, then I saw that my "income driven repayment" plan requires me to pay $187--I'd love to see what formula was used to figure up that I could afford that payment every month. Naturally, I was upset, but thought I didn't have to start paying until January, and I could work it out by then. But then three nights ago, about 1 am, I received an email informing me my payment was due December 21st. Less than 10 days notice that my forbearance was cancelled and I had to come up with nearly $200 I wasn't budgeted for.
And then, my fiance and I started to look for health insurance; this was when I started to lose my faith in everything. My $80 a month premium is set to go up to about $150, has a higher deductible, and higher out of pocket costs because I made that little bit more this year. His, well, his premium was $26 a month, and he couldn't see any of the specialists he needs because the only covered specialists are at minimum a 40 minute drive of us. He can't go to the largest mental health provider in the 3 counties here because they aren't covered. Naturally, we wanted to get him better insurance so he could see someone about a back injury and depression. His premium, to keep the same insurance, is set to go up to well over $100 for 2015 as well. Mind you, he went from full time to part time this year, and made less than he did last year because of this. So we had a solution, we'll go ahead and get married at the courthouse and just have a real wedding later. The insurance together would be less and he could have the same access I have to doctors, right? Admittedly, so far as premiums are concerned we are ever so slightly better off. We might be able to get away with around $200-250 a month in premiums. However, that is with a $4,000-6,000 deductible before the insurance would pay for much.
I should hope that at this point you understand my disappointment. Considering bills we already have to pay (car insurance, phones, internet required for my job) while living with family, tacking on another $400 or more every month, already puts our hopes of being able to move out on our own further from--more likely completely out of--our grasp. And then there's the deductible---what good does it do to pay all that money in premium (which will be difficult at best) when we still have to pay a minimum of $4000 in deductibles. Sure, we could use our tax refund---which was going to help us pay security deposits, first and last months rent, have some money in savings for emergencies. How is this affordable?
I am 26 years old. I have a college degree, nearly 8 years experience working in scientific research, and 2 years experience teaching test preparation now. I did everything right. Everything that teachers, parents, counselors---everyone---said I needed to do so I could be a successful adult, I did it. I didn't have sex until after I finished high school even because I wasn't supposed to. I didn't try drugs. I went straight to college. I took classes through summers. I got a job in my field. I left that field. Found a new one. Yet, here I am nearly 3 years later, still living with my fiance's parents (who barely make ends meet anyway, and we help), adding just enough more money to my income for some formula somewhere to decide I can afford even more. I feel cheated, again, by my country. I followed the rules and I work hard. I am passionate and loving. I live everyday making every effort to help anyone I come across, but I don't feel like this country is doing the same for any of its citizens short of those who can benefit the government itself in return. Moreover, and far more frustrating, I feel like I'm being punished for working hard and trying to make more of my life.
I see the entire Chicago and Northwestern Indiana area struggling with similar problems. One step forward, then kicked in the teeth 8 steps back. I see my students whose education depends solely on where they live. Students in Chicago proper who are no where near college ready, and students in the suburbs who might as well be superheroes considering their resumes getting rejected from their dream schools. My fiance's family is struggling because his grandmother's insurance changed because his grandfather's company no longer wanted to pay the benefits to spouses of deceased employees as they had been. His mother works as a manager, making barely over minimum wage---and found out their "affordable healthcare" is going to more than triple this year as well. My own mother is crippled financially because left my father (who made nearly three times her salary) after he had an affair. She actually stood up to him and left, and has felt nothing but punished and miserable since. She has only just been able to move out of her own parent's home, and is ever on the verge of having to go back.
I feel guilty telling my students that going to college, or graduate school, or medical school is what they should do. I feel guilty because I know that, in my experience, no matter how hard you work or follow the rules, you'll never get ahead. In fact, the longer you go to school the worse off you'll be because you will graduate owing twice what you borrowed and more than you are likely to make any time soon. Should you though, get one single toe ahead of the ever pressing bills and living expenses to where you MIGHT be able to be more comfortable in life---you are promptly kicked back on your ass.
So, as I write this letter tonight, I sincerely hope that you see it and read it. I know I am not alone in these same fears. Our country is not the best country in the world anymore. That, in and of itself, is devastating for me to even say. I am sure that there are many things going on in the world that I do not know of or understand, but I do understand that the government is supposed to be of the people and for the people. But from where I, and millions of others, stand, the government is actively cherry-picking who the people they want are and actively working against the rest of us.
I do not expect my situation to change on its own, and I will adapt. I will keep fighting, because I deserve to have the live I have always dreamed of and have worked for. I will fight any and everyone who gets in my way until the day I die in pursuit of what I have earned. But we shouldn't have to fight.
I ask of you only two things: imagine, for just a second, that you were in my shoes. Pretend that you are 26 and realizing you cannot have the wedding you always imagined because you need to get married sooner so you can even hope to afford health insurance, after which there may or may not be enough money to have the small wedding I have dreamed of since I was a little girl and definitely no money to live as a newly married couple. Imagine that you and your wife cannot afford even a one bedroom apartment. Imagine that everything YOU worked for, was taken away. And once you have considered how it feels to be in the average Millenial's shoes and maybe grasp part of the crushing desperation felt by not even the worst off in our country, how about we start a candid conversation about how our current leaders and our country's future leaders can stop arguing and start making this the best country in the world again. We are already going downhill exponentially faster with every passing day, but without an open dialogue between us, the people, and those who represent us translating to actionable changes, we will be globally irrelevant far sooner than the Founding Fathers ever intended.
Sincerely
K Branyon
First, I readily admit that I did not vote for you the first time you ran. I was young and not informed; rather, I just voted as my family said we should vote. However, by the time your second run came around I had been out in the world for a couple years, and I had made myself considerably more informed of the goings-on of my country. I voted for you with confidence. Confidence that you might be able to rise above the corporation driven Washington that I see leading my country. Confidence that you would reform healthcare at all costs. Confidence that you would make the changes you promised; changes that affect Millenials like myself, families who are struggling to even eat, the fat-cats of corporate America, and everyone out there losing faith in America.
When I left my first "real-job" in scientific research, because of a complete disenchantment (or perhaps reality check) with the way in which projects are funded and science is governed in this country, I left with conviction and confidence that I was following the American dream. Having the guts to say, "this makes me miserable, and I don't want to be miserable anymore," and actually leaving to start over was something I was proud of. Even my grandparents said they were proud of me because I wasn't going to settle for miserable, but wanted to actively try to find something better. I was only able to do this because of your newly (at the time) enacted Affordable Care statute that allowed me to go back on my father's insurance until I was 26. At that point, I had faith that anything was possible, and that I lived in a country that fostered that spirit within its children by allowing us time to figure out our lives.
Even when I was just about to turn 26, in February 2014, the transition from my father's insurance to the healthcare exchange was seamless and stress-free. In fact, I had better insurance at a lower premium, and I could stay with the doctor's I had worked to establish relationships with for 2 years. I was ecstatic and hopeful. I had a job that I loved, though not full time, and cared enough about its part-time employees to contribute a stipend to help me further pay my monthly premiums. Having had bipolar disorder since I was 19, these relationships and not having to play doctor hop-scotch was crucial to my even being able to continue to work. Without those relationships, I would not have survived the last year. I have spent the last 11 months of my life battling medication failures, injuries, and severe pain. Aside from the physical manifestations, my moods were completely out of control and I frequently fell back into the suicidal thoughts I try so hard to avoid. So thank you for that.
As the year wraps up though, I have lost all of my confidence in this country and have begun to lose confidence in myself. While these may seem to be individual, perhaps selfish reasons to some, the truth is that for every one person like me, there are far more who are even worse off financially and health-wise. In a matter of two months, my fiance and I have gone from feeling like we would finally be able to afford to move out on our own. Around November, we crunched all the numbers, and it looked like we could actually be adults. I don't think that's asking much really; a 26 and 21 year old couple who want only to be able to rent a simple apartment and begin our life together, while keeping the power on. And it looked like we could do it even though we were both still only part-time employees.
However, as my student loan's forbearance ended and open enrollment for 2015 insurance opened, I felt like I had been slammed into a brick wall at warp speed.
You see, I managed to make just slightly more money this year than I did last; less than $25,000 though since I am only part-time.
I consolidated my student loans only to find out that I will not only be paying the government back $40,000 I borrowed to get a degree that I have only even looked at once, but also $40,000 in interest for borrowing that money. I am grateful for my degree, but I have probably not even made much over $80,000 since I graduated college in 2010. Effectively, I felt like I had been taken for a fool by my own government acting as a loan shark. I was planning to pay my student loans; that was part of my number crunching. However, when the paperwork came back I first saw the $80,000 total paid back by the time I am 50 and some odd years old, then I saw that my "income driven repayment" plan requires me to pay $187--I'd love to see what formula was used to figure up that I could afford that payment every month. Naturally, I was upset, but thought I didn't have to start paying until January, and I could work it out by then. But then three nights ago, about 1 am, I received an email informing me my payment was due December 21st. Less than 10 days notice that my forbearance was cancelled and I had to come up with nearly $200 I wasn't budgeted for.
And then, my fiance and I started to look for health insurance; this was when I started to lose my faith in everything. My $80 a month premium is set to go up to about $150, has a higher deductible, and higher out of pocket costs because I made that little bit more this year. His, well, his premium was $26 a month, and he couldn't see any of the specialists he needs because the only covered specialists are at minimum a 40 minute drive of us. He can't go to the largest mental health provider in the 3 counties here because they aren't covered. Naturally, we wanted to get him better insurance so he could see someone about a back injury and depression. His premium, to keep the same insurance, is set to go up to well over $100 for 2015 as well. Mind you, he went from full time to part time this year, and made less than he did last year because of this. So we had a solution, we'll go ahead and get married at the courthouse and just have a real wedding later. The insurance together would be less and he could have the same access I have to doctors, right? Admittedly, so far as premiums are concerned we are ever so slightly better off. We might be able to get away with around $200-250 a month in premiums. However, that is with a $4,000-6,000 deductible before the insurance would pay for much.
I should hope that at this point you understand my disappointment. Considering bills we already have to pay (car insurance, phones, internet required for my job) while living with family, tacking on another $400 or more every month, already puts our hopes of being able to move out on our own further from--more likely completely out of--our grasp. And then there's the deductible---what good does it do to pay all that money in premium (which will be difficult at best) when we still have to pay a minimum of $4000 in deductibles. Sure, we could use our tax refund---which was going to help us pay security deposits, first and last months rent, have some money in savings for emergencies. How is this affordable?
I am 26 years old. I have a college degree, nearly 8 years experience working in scientific research, and 2 years experience teaching test preparation now. I did everything right. Everything that teachers, parents, counselors---everyone---said I needed to do so I could be a successful adult, I did it. I didn't have sex until after I finished high school even because I wasn't supposed to. I didn't try drugs. I went straight to college. I took classes through summers. I got a job in my field. I left that field. Found a new one. Yet, here I am nearly 3 years later, still living with my fiance's parents (who barely make ends meet anyway, and we help), adding just enough more money to my income for some formula somewhere to decide I can afford even more. I feel cheated, again, by my country. I followed the rules and I work hard. I am passionate and loving. I live everyday making every effort to help anyone I come across, but I don't feel like this country is doing the same for any of its citizens short of those who can benefit the government itself in return. Moreover, and far more frustrating, I feel like I'm being punished for working hard and trying to make more of my life.
I see the entire Chicago and Northwestern Indiana area struggling with similar problems. One step forward, then kicked in the teeth 8 steps back. I see my students whose education depends solely on where they live. Students in Chicago proper who are no where near college ready, and students in the suburbs who might as well be superheroes considering their resumes getting rejected from their dream schools. My fiance's family is struggling because his grandmother's insurance changed because his grandfather's company no longer wanted to pay the benefits to spouses of deceased employees as they had been. His mother works as a manager, making barely over minimum wage---and found out their "affordable healthcare" is going to more than triple this year as well. My own mother is crippled financially because left my father (who made nearly three times her salary) after he had an affair. She actually stood up to him and left, and has felt nothing but punished and miserable since. She has only just been able to move out of her own parent's home, and is ever on the verge of having to go back.
I feel guilty telling my students that going to college, or graduate school, or medical school is what they should do. I feel guilty because I know that, in my experience, no matter how hard you work or follow the rules, you'll never get ahead. In fact, the longer you go to school the worse off you'll be because you will graduate owing twice what you borrowed and more than you are likely to make any time soon. Should you though, get one single toe ahead of the ever pressing bills and living expenses to where you MIGHT be able to be more comfortable in life---you are promptly kicked back on your ass.
So, as I write this letter tonight, I sincerely hope that you see it and read it. I know I am not alone in these same fears. Our country is not the best country in the world anymore. That, in and of itself, is devastating for me to even say. I am sure that there are many things going on in the world that I do not know of or understand, but I do understand that the government is supposed to be of the people and for the people. But from where I, and millions of others, stand, the government is actively cherry-picking who the people they want are and actively working against the rest of us.
I do not expect my situation to change on its own, and I will adapt. I will keep fighting, because I deserve to have the live I have always dreamed of and have worked for. I will fight any and everyone who gets in my way until the day I die in pursuit of what I have earned. But we shouldn't have to fight.
I ask of you only two things: imagine, for just a second, that you were in my shoes. Pretend that you are 26 and realizing you cannot have the wedding you always imagined because you need to get married sooner so you can even hope to afford health insurance, after which there may or may not be enough money to have the small wedding I have dreamed of since I was a little girl and definitely no money to live as a newly married couple. Imagine that you and your wife cannot afford even a one bedroom apartment. Imagine that everything YOU worked for, was taken away. And once you have considered how it feels to be in the average Millenial's shoes and maybe grasp part of the crushing desperation felt by not even the worst off in our country, how about we start a candid conversation about how our current leaders and our country's future leaders can stop arguing and start making this the best country in the world again. We are already going downhill exponentially faster with every passing day, but without an open dialogue between us, the people, and those who represent us translating to actionable changes, we will be globally irrelevant far sooner than the Founding Fathers ever intended.
Sincerely
K Branyon
Saturday, November 29, 2014
Rage, Lithium, Turkeys, and Iron
So many things going on since last I posted---so many, many things. I do apologize for my absence, but as you shall see, I have had a lot going on!
First...when I made my last post, I was obviously very upset. I make no apologies for it either, and I am still quite angry. Rather, it incited a rather heated discussion on Facebook. I won't share names, but this was the response to my post from one unsuspecting friend of my mother:
Another update, new doctor has me trying Lithium. This is one of the few mood stabilizers I have never tried, and, honestly, I'm not really sure how I feel about it. I have been on it for 4 days now and I feel like crap!
Upside: I'm sleeping like a baby.
Downside: I only sleep like said baby when I CAN sleep, but I'm always sleepy.
I've been having this horrible new thing (before the lithium, even) which appears to be termed "sleep paralysis." Essentially, when you fall asleep your brain semi-paralyzes your muscles so that you don't, for example, beat up your significant other or otherwise act out your dreams in the night. However, some people, sometimes, aren't quite asleep when that happens, and you end up being somewhat aware, somewhat dreaming, but ultimately alert enough to realize you cannot move. It is honestly the most terrifying thing I have ever in my life experienced. For some people this is just simply the terror of feeling like you are paralyzed, which is terrifying enough on its own. I have the fortunate luck of being one of an even fewer number of people who also have some sort of nightmare associated with this situation. Not only can I not move or scream, but I feel as though something is pulling me. Sometimes pulling me into the bed, sometimes off the bed, sometimes away from my boyfriend, sometimes by the hair, sometimes pulling my legs apart...although I never see this "thing" I know it is somehow dark, foreboding, and trying very hard to hurt me. Sometimes it is smothering me so when I do finally wake up, I am gasping for air (although I wasn't apparently holding my breath...according to the boyfriend.) Equally scary is that, even if I am able to wake up, I almost immediately fall back into the nightmare. And whatever the "thing" is...it is considerably more angry and violent each time.
When this first started happening, it wasn't terrible, and I realized that with a WHOLE LOT of focus I could move my fingers or toes or mumble "help" and things like that That worked for a while, although my boyfriend may or may not have (he hasn't specified) loved that the solution for me to wake up was to sleep almost fused to him with a death grip on his wrist so I could squeeze his hand for him to wake me up. After a couple weeks of this, the dreams disappeared...and then I started the lithium. This evil thing is back with a vengeance. I can no longer move my fingers or even mumble words as I previously could. In the dream however, I think I am. I feel like I finally managed to scream "help" or grab his wrist. I did a little research after about an hour in and out of these a few nights ago. I stumbled upon the advice that if you can't get out of the cycle, when you wake up, sit up and look at something bright. So if I find myself having this nightmare, as soon as I wake up, I get up, light a cigarette and read a chapter or two of a book on the brightest setting my little tablet can manage. It seems to help a great deal.
So there's that--I'm hoping the side effects, and nightmares, will subside as my body gets used to the new medicine. Will have to update as it goes though!
And then, this week was Thanksgiving! Generally I am not a big fan of November, December, nor their respective holidays. Lots of drama in my family in these months: deaths, births (of illegitimate half-brother), divorces, anger, obligation, travel, trauma....I generally hate this time of year. I vowed this year to TRY to enjoy the holidays this year. It is hard, but I am proud of myself for my cooking adventures.
On the festive Turkey Day, I decided I wanted to cook food that felt like Thanksgiving to me (read: really strange, really old, really delicious southern food that I'm pretty sure you have to have been raised eating to really love). I made cornbread for the first time ever with no help from any of the professionals in the family seeing as they are at home and I am in Indiana. It was a glorious success!
Only to be crumbled up to make some cornbread dressing. Another first ever for me. Only had my mom via phone to guide me---there were lots of references to pancake batter, jello, and pudding to explain consistency desired/obtained. It came out pretty well also!! Of course, it will never be as good as my mom or grandmother's because of the love and all that, but it was close enough to home for me! So putting my best food forward for this holiday season, as we Southerners do...wish me luck as we head into Christmas and attempt to plan a trip home that involved NEITHER being stuck in central Indiana for 3 days during the freakin' Polar Vortex NOR a disastrous sledding incident in which I managed to break my tailbone and make other various major skeletal rearrangements. So drink to that for me...I certainly am!
Speaking of drinking....WAR EAGLE baby!! As I type this, Auburn is currently whooping some Bama butt, and I really hope it stays that way through the rest of the game. Alabama too often needs to be put in their place and those Auburn boys certainly love to give it to them! Currently awaiting an official review....and AUBURN COMES OUT WITH POSSESSION OF THE BALL! WOooooooo!
For those of you reading who do not know the fierce Alabama/Auburn Rivalry, it evidently started in 1873 and has since continued the weekend after Thanksgiving at what is known as The Iron Bowl. There is much bad blood between the two schools, most recent and notable being the idiot who poisoned the historic trees on Auburn's campus and then called into a radio station to claim his misdeed. This was poor sportsmanship in its worst, and he was, I believe, brought up on charges and, I'm sure, taken out to the woods to be dealt with Deliverance style by Auburn and Bama fans alike. Hard to believe there was a line to be crossed, but this fellow surely did.
Lessons to be learned this week: don't try to out-data me, sleep paralysis is bloody terrifying, and there are two things you can never do better than a Southerner---food and football! We're bred to cook good food and live, breathe, die football...fortunately I manage to suppress the football thing until Iron Bowl day. So far Auburn's winning....one quarter left...cross your fingers...
War Eagle Ya'll !
First...when I made my last post, I was obviously very upset. I make no apologies for it either, and I am still quite angry. Rather, it incited a rather heated discussion on Facebook. I won't share names, but this was the response to my post from one unsuspecting friend of my mother:
"No one is forcing anyone to borrow the money from the gov't or anyone else. It was a choice. I'll speak for myself personally & probably for a large majority of others when I say at the time I got the loans I was grateful for them &I certainly wasn't badmouthing the gov't about lending me the money. But when it comes time to pay them back it's a blow to your budget. We want to spend our new money on nice things, new cars, fun stuff. Not paying back a stinking $20, $40, $60,000 loan. Funny how we then blame the gov't for lending us the money & all of a sudden all the choices we made are their fault. If your students are paying back double what they borrowed it's only because they've put their loans in forbearance for many years. I know that first hand. I tacked on $20,000 to my loan by doing that. Once again my fault, not the gov't's. If they are paying double, their interest rate is what, 200%? My interest rate on my loan is 5%. Better than any interest rate except for possibly a mortgage. No one blames credit card companies for lending them money @ 19, 21 or 24% interest. But it's the big bad gov't fault for our student loans. Just suck it up, budget for it, start paying it back and be grateful you live in the greatest country in the world where opportunities are only based on how bad you want to make them come to fruition!"I awoke to this in the very early hours of the morning (read 10-11am for me, haha--I love my job, even if its not enough to buy the government a house!). Needless to say I was almost immediately upright, cigarette in hand, typing away. My response is as follows:
First, I am still grateful for the government lending me money to get an education. And I have no problem paying them back, but double what they loaned me is a bit extreme, but I'll further explain that in a moment. The choices I made are not at all the government's fault, I made those choices, and its good that I did or I would have been living with my parents through the hell of a divorce that happened when I was in college. So believe me, I am probably more grateful than most for those student loans because they did more than give me an education, but also served to shield me from a small amount of the hurt of all of that. Paying it back is not an inconvenience, I have been planning to pay them back. It's not because I would rather buy nice shiny things or a new car. I would, however, like to be able to afford at least an apartment and utilities; to be able to live independently as an adult. Which I don't think is much to ask, and will likely not happen any time soon. There is research data showing that the cost of an education is exponentially higher than it was when you were in school, and yet median salary has stagnated, if not decreased, compared the cost of living, at least for the middle class. (see http://www.thesimpledollar.com/a-dose-of-financial-reality/ and http://www.economist.com/.../2011/09/us-household-income) That is something the government could help with; control the price of education a bit better so it is actually feasible for young adults to pay back their loans considering the job they have (and yes, there are income based repayment plans, but, in my experience, they are not very realistic. For example, instead of a $300 a month payment, a $250. Which would be fine, if I had no other bills...which I do, even living with family.) I was, however, shocked to see that when I finish paying them off I will have paid twice what I borrowed. And no, my loans have not been in forbearance for many years. I hardly tacked anything on to my loans with what little forebearance they have been in; I haven't had to pay because of financial hardship deferments. By that, the government realizes that if the expected payment is more than 20% of your income, it's likely you wont be able to pay your other bills. For which I am very, very grateful. But no, that is not why I am paying double. My interest rate is 6.25 which sounds totally reasonable. I am not angry about how much I actually owe them, but that the interest I will have paid them in 30 years is almost exactly how much I borrowed. So what I end up paying is twice what I borrowed. If we actually want to encourage kids to go to school, see the economy grow, reduce the poverty level...how about not having students pay back twice what they originally needed to get a degree which has the working capacity of a high school diploma for your generation. That is, a bachelors is what's required to enter the work force anywhere more than a few dollars above minimum wage. And no, I do not blame banks and credit cards for charging ridiculous interest rates and ending up paying two or three times what you spent. Because they are a business, a for profit corporation. Their goal is to make money by nature of being a business. The reason I'm upset with, as you said "the big bad government" is that they are NOT a business. They are our representatives and should not be profiting off of education---certainly not to the extent that I pay them double what I borrowed which is effectively discouraging me from being able to do things good for the economy like buy a house or things that are good for the population, like donating to charity. Thus, to me, it is no wonder that our economy is not exactly doing so hot---the 20 somethings, who, when you were 20, were working, owning houses, having children, are now either staying in school because they can't find jobs or making barely enough to afford to live on their own, if they can even do that (about which I have seen plenty of moaning from the older generations). So no, I'm not happy with the government, not because it's their fault I took out student loans, but because I think the government should be helping it's citizens live the "American dream" not contributing to the factors holding us back. Helping us realize our educational and career goals,and then not, what feels and almost looks like, punishing us for doing so. And yes, I will pay whatever it is I have to pay, but the government should not be profiting off of educating it's citizens. And the idea that opportunity is based only off of how hard you work is much less possible now than it was for your generation. Again, there is data showing that. I am not just bad mouthing the government in order to piss someone off or because I want someone to blame for my choices. I am legitimately disgusted with the government profiting off of education and making it hard for me to live with myself telling my students that college is a good investment, knowing that they will likely be even more screwed than my generation is when they come out of school with even higher student loans---not because they got a better education or a more advanced degree, but simply because they did what everyone told us to do and went to college. To come out with dismal job prospects at best and a sack of loans many times higher than your generation.I have not heard further. I do so love shoving data in someone's face when they are flat out wrong. But, I digress.
Another update, new doctor has me trying Lithium. This is one of the few mood stabilizers I have never tried, and, honestly, I'm not really sure how I feel about it. I have been on it for 4 days now and I feel like crap!
Upside: I'm sleeping like a baby.
Downside: I only sleep like said baby when I CAN sleep, but I'm always sleepy.
I've been having this horrible new thing (before the lithium, even) which appears to be termed "sleep paralysis." Essentially, when you fall asleep your brain semi-paralyzes your muscles so that you don't, for example, beat up your significant other or otherwise act out your dreams in the night. However, some people, sometimes, aren't quite asleep when that happens, and you end up being somewhat aware, somewhat dreaming, but ultimately alert enough to realize you cannot move. It is honestly the most terrifying thing I have ever in my life experienced. For some people this is just simply the terror of feeling like you are paralyzed, which is terrifying enough on its own. I have the fortunate luck of being one of an even fewer number of people who also have some sort of nightmare associated with this situation. Not only can I not move or scream, but I feel as though something is pulling me. Sometimes pulling me into the bed, sometimes off the bed, sometimes away from my boyfriend, sometimes by the hair, sometimes pulling my legs apart...although I never see this "thing" I know it is somehow dark, foreboding, and trying very hard to hurt me. Sometimes it is smothering me so when I do finally wake up, I am gasping for air (although I wasn't apparently holding my breath...according to the boyfriend.) Equally scary is that, even if I am able to wake up, I almost immediately fall back into the nightmare. And whatever the "thing" is...it is considerably more angry and violent each time.
When this first started happening, it wasn't terrible, and I realized that with a WHOLE LOT of focus I could move my fingers or toes or mumble "help" and things like that That worked for a while, although my boyfriend may or may not have (he hasn't specified) loved that the solution for me to wake up was to sleep almost fused to him with a death grip on his wrist so I could squeeze his hand for him to wake me up. After a couple weeks of this, the dreams disappeared...and then I started the lithium. This evil thing is back with a vengeance. I can no longer move my fingers or even mumble words as I previously could. In the dream however, I think I am. I feel like I finally managed to scream "help" or grab his wrist. I did a little research after about an hour in and out of these a few nights ago. I stumbled upon the advice that if you can't get out of the cycle, when you wake up, sit up and look at something bright. So if I find myself having this nightmare, as soon as I wake up, I get up, light a cigarette and read a chapter or two of a book on the brightest setting my little tablet can manage. It seems to help a great deal.
So there's that--I'm hoping the side effects, and nightmares, will subside as my body gets used to the new medicine. Will have to update as it goes though!
And then, this week was Thanksgiving! Generally I am not a big fan of November, December, nor their respective holidays. Lots of drama in my family in these months: deaths, births (of illegitimate half-brother), divorces, anger, obligation, travel, trauma....I generally hate this time of year. I vowed this year to TRY to enjoy the holidays this year. It is hard, but I am proud of myself for my cooking adventures.
On the festive Turkey Day, I decided I wanted to cook food that felt like Thanksgiving to me (read: really strange, really old, really delicious southern food that I'm pretty sure you have to have been raised eating to really love). I made cornbread for the first time ever with no help from any of the professionals in the family seeing as they are at home and I am in Indiana. It was a glorious success!
Only to be crumbled up to make some cornbread dressing. Another first ever for me. Only had my mom via phone to guide me---there were lots of references to pancake batter, jello, and pudding to explain consistency desired/obtained. It came out pretty well also!! Of course, it will never be as good as my mom or grandmother's because of the love and all that, but it was close enough to home for me! So putting my best food forward for this holiday season, as we Southerners do...wish me luck as we head into Christmas and attempt to plan a trip home that involved NEITHER being stuck in central Indiana for 3 days during the freakin' Polar Vortex NOR a disastrous sledding incident in which I managed to break my tailbone and make other various major skeletal rearrangements. So drink to that for me...I certainly am!
Speaking of drinking....WAR EAGLE baby!! As I type this, Auburn is currently whooping some Bama butt, and I really hope it stays that way through the rest of the game. Alabama too often needs to be put in their place and those Auburn boys certainly love to give it to them! Currently awaiting an official review....and AUBURN COMES OUT WITH POSSESSION OF THE BALL! WOooooooo!
For those of you reading who do not know the fierce Alabama/Auburn Rivalry, it evidently started in 1873 and has since continued the weekend after Thanksgiving at what is known as The Iron Bowl. There is much bad blood between the two schools, most recent and notable being the idiot who poisoned the historic trees on Auburn's campus and then called into a radio station to claim his misdeed. This was poor sportsmanship in its worst, and he was, I believe, brought up on charges and, I'm sure, taken out to the woods to be dealt with Deliverance style by Auburn and Bama fans alike. Hard to believe there was a line to be crossed, but this fellow surely did.
Lessons to be learned this week: don't try to out-data me, sleep paralysis is bloody terrifying, and there are two things you can never do better than a Southerner---food and football! We're bred to cook good food and live, breathe, die football...fortunately I manage to suppress the football thing until Iron Bowl day. So far Auburn's winning....one quarter left...cross your fingers...
War Eagle Ya'll !
Tuesday, November 18, 2014
Delays....And Europe.
First, sorry for the delay in my posting. I have not been feeling well, and just couldn't think of what to write. However, the government kindly handed me a topic this evening. I am fuming and livid at this country and how screwed up it is. This was my initial stream of consciousness response to my anger of realizing that in order to pay off my $40k in student loans, I will end up paying $80k back to the government. I will perhaps form a more comprehensive, less colorful response once I locate a beer and my anxiety meds. No promises on less colorful though.
Ok, I am truly and completely pissed at America right now---you wonder why our generation is called the Lost Generation? Really?
I have one, of many, reasons for ya: Our federal student loans---to get a BACHELORS DEGREE---we ultimately have to pay back twice! Literally, just pulled up my student loan info because I am supposed to start paying it back soon---the interest I "will have payed" by 2039 is about 1k less than the actual loan amount. For a public, in-state school. A degree I don't--and CAN'T---use. And you wonder why we're not all married, homeowners with kids? We can't afford it. We are too busy paying back for a pretty sheet of paper from the god awful American education system to even THINK about owning a house or supporting a family.
How about instead of screwing all of us over by making us pay you back what you loaned us and then pay you that over again because you were just oh so helpful in the first place you really deserve a tip---how about you give us a reason to believe America is still the best country to live in. Where I stand, right now, I have an education I worked my ass off for, cannot find a job doing because I am not in the boy's club, and will pay for twice over to a government who is sitting on their ass.....oh, excuse me, they are standing...and stomping their feet and screaming "BUT MOM I WANT TO BE IN CHARGE!" and holding their breath until they get their way.
Fine, you got your way...fucking do something useful with it. Its called compromise, find your local 2 year old and ask them about it, I'm pretty sure it's like day 3 of preschool.
And while you're at it, get your head out of our country's uteruses and/or bedrooms and worry about, oh I don't know, national debt, health care, terrorism, poverty, homelessness....anything that is actually YOUR business.
I want to move to Europe. This country is outrageously screwed up. And no, I don't blame Republicans. Or Democrats. It's everyone's fault. We have let this go on. Until we start doing SOMETHING DIFFERENT we are all just stagnating, collectively until we fade out and die. Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. --Einstein
Tuesday, November 4, 2014
So...are women the sex crazed ones now?
First, an update:
This past week...good lord has it been a long one. Broken cars, epidurals for my back, strange and awful muscle pain, family, work...I need a break!! I can't even read the books I have from the library...which is truly disappointing! I have been stuck between "Oh my god I have so much to do I can't handle it so I'll sleep" and running around like a squirrel on crack because I realize I still have to do all that stuff! It's been another rough one. Someone definitely put this roller coaster into overdrive and I'm gonna need them to locate the brakes!!!
One thing I have noticed is that other people's emotions (like the boyfriend, mom, sister, etc.) have a huge effect on where my own mental state is. Perhaps I let them, but that's another problem all to itself. If the people around me are anxious, I get anxious and sad and down the hill I go. Fortunately, new doctor is on the 26th and, God willing, we will be on the track to getting meds straightened out!!
And a random thought for you to consider:
Meanwhile, in the wider world, today is voting day! Better go vote...even if, I fear, the effect will be minimal at best. I truly hope that someone gets in a position to make some major changes. Regardless of whether you are Democrat, Republican, or a flying purple people eater, I think we can all agree that there are a lot of things going on right now that need to be addressed with a realistic solution. I don't know that politicians are capable of realistic solutions, but one can hope, right?
Last, but most certainly not least, on to my main reason for this post:
One of my students recently introduced me to Spotify. And, yes, I felt extraordinarily old because I had only heard of it in passing, and still thought Pandora and Rhapsody were the only options for streaming music (which I do an unholy amount of while I'm driving across Indiana and Illinois to teach in east Egypt out there!!)
I promptly did a little research and fell in love with Spotify! By the way, if you've never used it, it's like Pandora + Rhapsody = Awesome^100 ...seriously...go...now...check it out!
Considering my blinding hatred for commercials and lack of decent local radio stations, I just hit a random list and started listening to whatever came on. It took me a couple days, but I noticed an interesting trend.
At least in the music I came across, it seems to me that men and women have sort of changed roles in the "who's more sex crazed and dominant" thing. I came across a lot of songs, some I liked some I could not stand, by female singers that were very liberated and sexually dominant. On the same note, I also found a lot of songs by male singers that were sensitive, touching, and crooning for the girl the love to come back and so on.
This led me to wonder if female entertainers are sort of speaking what most young women are feeling today--like we are being devalued, stripped of rights, suppressed. Maybe it's just a vast rebellion against all of the political and social issues circulating about women's rights at the moment. But maybe it's even bigger than that. Maybe there is a larger movement towards women asserting themselves and demanding to be the ones in control as a rebellion against how we have seen our mothers, grandmothers, and aunts act like they don't have feelings and take care of everyone but themselves.
I do come from the deep south originally...but if you ask me that any time other than now, I will vehemently deny any knowledge of such. I was raised with the typical deep south female mentality: take care of your man and keep your shit together no matter what. Literally, the last time my boyfriend and I went back home to see my family they immediately noticed he had lost quite a bit of weight, which is great right? He lost like 100 pounds because of how much working he has been doing. Instead of "Oh you look great, how'd you lose so much weight?"---all the women in the room immediately turned to me with this: "Have you been feeding him right? Are you cooking dinner? Why have you let that boy get so skinny?"
After I scraped my jaw up off the floor (though I'm not sure why I was surprised), I promptly began to tell everyone I did not let that boy do anything nor did I make him do anything. He's a grown man. Yes, I cook...sometimes....maybe.....ok not so much now as I used to but I'm in pain so bite me. Honestly, the best way I can explain the "southern woman" manner/mindset to anyone not familiar is to tell you go look up Miranda Lambert's song "Mama's Broken Heart." The first time I heard that song, I almost cried laughing because it was like hearing my grandmothers words on the damn radio!
So this all brings me back to my point, maybe these songs about "Anacondas" (which I can't stand) and "Bang, Bang"-ing (which I like) are just examples of a bigger, subconscious push by my generation against all those things we have been told to do all our lives. We don't want to just give in anymore, we want the world and everything in it...just like any man does. Maybe it's all echoing that we feel like the only way to get respect and equality in everything is to show men we want, thinking about, and need sex as much, if not more than them. That if sex is how we get control, then sex it is!
Not only that, but it would seem that even our art is beginning to show this subtle shift in mindset. As the letter from my previous post mentioned, art is often a vehicle for change. Though what counts as art might be up to interpretation...I really, really hate that Anaconda song, it's just disgusting.
And men's songs, maybe they're figuring out that the antiquated ideas of women being at the mercy of a man or sitting around hoping a suitor will come by is no longer a viable way to keep a woman in your life. I honestly think, men (certainly not all of them...stubborn asses) are maybe figuring out that expecting us to live with this double standard that seems to apply to more and more facets of life every day is not going to cut it and they better start sucking up now!!
That's right boys...start the worship now because at some point those tables are gonna turn and a whole bunch of you are gonna find out what crow tastes like!
So..hey...like...girl power...and all!! Woo!
p.s But seriously, maybe let's cut back on the outright slutty stuff? If a man ever comes at me with an anaconda, snake or otherwise, I am running the hell away.
Here's to a better week!!
This past week...good lord has it been a long one. Broken cars, epidurals for my back, strange and awful muscle pain, family, work...I need a break!! I can't even read the books I have from the library...which is truly disappointing! I have been stuck between "Oh my god I have so much to do I can't handle it so I'll sleep" and running around like a squirrel on crack because I realize I still have to do all that stuff! It's been another rough one. Someone definitely put this roller coaster into overdrive and I'm gonna need them to locate the brakes!!!
One thing I have noticed is that other people's emotions (like the boyfriend, mom, sister, etc.) have a huge effect on where my own mental state is. Perhaps I let them, but that's another problem all to itself. If the people around me are anxious, I get anxious and sad and down the hill I go. Fortunately, new doctor is on the 26th and, God willing, we will be on the track to getting meds straightened out!!
And a random thought for you to consider:
Meanwhile, in the wider world, today is voting day! Better go vote...even if, I fear, the effect will be minimal at best. I truly hope that someone gets in a position to make some major changes. Regardless of whether you are Democrat, Republican, or a flying purple people eater, I think we can all agree that there are a lot of things going on right now that need to be addressed with a realistic solution. I don't know that politicians are capable of realistic solutions, but one can hope, right?
Last, but most certainly not least, on to my main reason for this post:
One of my students recently introduced me to Spotify. And, yes, I felt extraordinarily old because I had only heard of it in passing, and still thought Pandora and Rhapsody were the only options for streaming music (which I do an unholy amount of while I'm driving across Indiana and Illinois to teach in east Egypt out there!!)
I promptly did a little research and fell in love with Spotify! By the way, if you've never used it, it's like Pandora + Rhapsody = Awesome^100 ...seriously...go...now...check it out!
Considering my blinding hatred for commercials and lack of decent local radio stations, I just hit a random list and started listening to whatever came on. It took me a couple days, but I noticed an interesting trend.
At least in the music I came across, it seems to me that men and women have sort of changed roles in the "who's more sex crazed and dominant" thing. I came across a lot of songs, some I liked some I could not stand, by female singers that were very liberated and sexually dominant. On the same note, I also found a lot of songs by male singers that were sensitive, touching, and crooning for the girl the love to come back and so on.
This led me to wonder if female entertainers are sort of speaking what most young women are feeling today--like we are being devalued, stripped of rights, suppressed. Maybe it's just a vast rebellion against all of the political and social issues circulating about women's rights at the moment. But maybe it's even bigger than that. Maybe there is a larger movement towards women asserting themselves and demanding to be the ones in control as a rebellion against how we have seen our mothers, grandmothers, and aunts act like they don't have feelings and take care of everyone but themselves.
I do come from the deep south originally...but if you ask me that any time other than now, I will vehemently deny any knowledge of such. I was raised with the typical deep south female mentality: take care of your man and keep your shit together no matter what. Literally, the last time my boyfriend and I went back home to see my family they immediately noticed he had lost quite a bit of weight, which is great right? He lost like 100 pounds because of how much working he has been doing. Instead of "Oh you look great, how'd you lose so much weight?"---all the women in the room immediately turned to me with this: "Have you been feeding him right? Are you cooking dinner? Why have you let that boy get so skinny?"
After I scraped my jaw up off the floor (though I'm not sure why I was surprised), I promptly began to tell everyone I did not let that boy do anything nor did I make him do anything. He's a grown man. Yes, I cook...sometimes....maybe.....ok not so much now as I used to but I'm in pain so bite me. Honestly, the best way I can explain the "southern woman" manner/mindset to anyone not familiar is to tell you go look up Miranda Lambert's song "Mama's Broken Heart." The first time I heard that song, I almost cried laughing because it was like hearing my grandmothers words on the damn radio!
So this all brings me back to my point, maybe these songs about "Anacondas" (which I can't stand) and "Bang, Bang"-ing (which I like) are just examples of a bigger, subconscious push by my generation against all those things we have been told to do all our lives. We don't want to just give in anymore, we want the world and everything in it...just like any man does. Maybe it's all echoing that we feel like the only way to get respect and equality in everything is to show men we want, thinking about, and need sex as much, if not more than them. That if sex is how we get control, then sex it is!
Not only that, but it would seem that even our art is beginning to show this subtle shift in mindset. As the letter from my previous post mentioned, art is often a vehicle for change. Though what counts as art might be up to interpretation...I really, really hate that Anaconda song, it's just disgusting.
And men's songs, maybe they're figuring out that the antiquated ideas of women being at the mercy of a man or sitting around hoping a suitor will come by is no longer a viable way to keep a woman in your life. I honestly think, men (certainly not all of them...stubborn asses) are maybe figuring out that expecting us to live with this double standard that seems to apply to more and more facets of life every day is not going to cut it and they better start sucking up now!!
That's right boys...start the worship now because at some point those tables are gonna turn and a whole bunch of you are gonna find out what crow tastes like!
So..hey...like...girl power...and all!! Woo!
p.s But seriously, maybe let's cut back on the outright slutty stuff? If a man ever comes at me with an anaconda, snake or otherwise, I am running the hell away.
Here's to a better week!!
Saturday, October 25, 2014
In Which We Save America?
So before I truly begin this post, you simply must go read the open letter I am using as a sort of jumping off point; jumping off with the most absolute reverence imaginable. Letter To The Millenials--Jonathan Taplin
I actually first ran across responses to this letter from both a Gen X and a Millenial whilst piddling around on LinkedIn. I, of course, had to go back and read everything in chronological order, but, at the end, it all struck a deep, resonant chord within me. I have been planning to write about this for weeks, but have just found the time and soundness of mind to do so.
Taplin's letter is to, what I believe is, a college level communications class. I can't be sure what level precisely, but I imagine we aren't exactly dealing with incoming freshmen. At any rate, the topics he brings up and the manner in which he sets forth his class opening are quite revolutionary for me, personally, to hear from a Baby Boomer (although it could be that I am just not exposed to the most forward minded of Boomers).
I'll start with this quote:
When I first read this, I was shocked. The Baby Boomers I come into contact with are sadly not interested in accepting anything but staunchly one-sided legislature and assuming that we Millennials are why the world is in the shape it is in today. There seems to be a lack of acceptance of responsibility by anyone at all, in fact.
Professor Taplin goes on to explain that his generation was dealt not only great national tragedy through the assassination of their political heroes, but also that they turned away from politics to escape that pain. During this time, some of the best entertainment and art was produced, and it was also the top selling entertainment of the time. Whereas now, the most artistic and thoughtful works of art (be it music, visual, or any other form) are no longer mainstream. What is main stream are the mass produced pop and hip-hop performers who fade in and out of our lives rarely producing anything as memorable as the music that came about from the Boomers' time (which, honestly, a considerable number of us Millenials are turning back to).
Side note: Some of the music I am currently catching dribbling out of my radio is a matter for another day though, but it is in my notes to discuss at some length.
Taplin also goes into how his generation also is experiencing extreme disappointment in how politics failed to actually improve the average American's life. The figures in his letter indicate that the median salary for the male worker has actually decreased since 1969! He makes so many excellent points that I could spend all day worshiping this piece of writing (one being that art could be a vehicle for bringing about change), but it ultimately leads into some of the same questions that I find myself (and my peers) worrying ourselves deeply over. More importantly, perhaps he offers the potential to finding the solutions to some of them as well.
As to those questions: Why is it that most Americans are stuck in middle class (if they have managed to even pull that off) while a tiny percentage own the vast majority of the wealth? Why has wealth become the tool with which government legislation happens? Why has our government become so obsessed with policing the entire world rather than policing our own policies? Why has our country become so divided along party lines that we are incapable of actually passing legislation? How are we, the Millennials who will be left with all of this, supposed to cope with and overcome the ever increasing pile of disasters on America and the world's plate?
I cannot possibly argue that there are not problems with my generation. We are certainly, at times, far too technology obsessed. We tend to be very focused on ourselves, our goals, and our comfort. However, there are enough of us conscious of the fact that the country is currently failing as a whole in terms of correctly serving the American public to begin to start trying to find a solution. However, none of us are in the boy's club (literally, often times) and, thus, we are met with condescension far too often when we try to enter into these conversations.
Every time even the notion of discussing politics comes up between myself and my parents, grandparents, etc it is met with a complete shut out. A total and utter refusal to even discuss the idea that maybe we could find some common ground. I am a liberal. I have betrayed my good ol' southern Baptist roots, and I (don't tell anybody at the church or, heaven forbid, my Grandmother just might be kicked out of potlucks) might almost be a democrat!
It is time for this to stop. There should be no argument coming from anyone that any political parties are currently working as they should and for whom they should.
The Republicans have, of late, been adopting the 4-year old tantrum strategy. While this is very effective for some 4 YEAR OLDS, it is not an effective way to run a country. You lost the election...twice. Put on your big girl panties, deal with it, and do your job. You wonder why the Republicans are losing the younger voters? Women voters? It's because they are too busy worrying about stamping their feet and who is in who's vagina to actually do their job. So no, I don't want you deciding who is president next.
If you don't like President Obama's policies and you think he is being a dictator, then stop sitting around with your fingers up your noses saying "I won't do anything if Obama likes it" and start coming up with suggestions that actually might work. You can just throw out the complete opposite of what Obama says either; that's no more helpful than flipping your boogers at him (which you must also really stop doing). There has to be some compromise between everyone.
The Democrats aren't much better either---they are just the older sibling that no one particularly likes. The Tattle-tale running about D.C. making sure everyone knows that the Republicans aren't doing anything, but what exactly are they doing? They can't get anyone to cooperate either. Maybe they are trying, but ultimately, they are failing. So I don't particularly want them deciding who is president next either.
I honestly don't like much of anything going on in Washington because, so far as I can tell, nothing of any actual use is getting done BY ANYONE! So stop with the standing outside the post office saying "Impeach Obama," because unless you've something to show me that actually constitutes impeachment, you are part of the problem.
All of America currently wants to stand around and point fingers at who screwed up. We all did---no one did----does it even matter who did?
Clearly the old boy's club model is not cutting it anymore. We need a new game plan. Everyone to the co-ed locker room, get the chalk, let's draw some stuff, see what we've got, and figure this pile of disasters out for God's sake!
The bigger question here is this: how do we fix it? The answer is right in Professor Taplin's letter to his class. We stop this feudal atmosphere between conservatives and liberals, parents and children, and we sit down together to talk about why these decisions were made to begin with.
To our elders: What were you hoping for your/our future to look like? What legislation did you think was going to make that change? What aspect of our country failed to foster that change or fulfill its obligations to make that change? You are supposed to be the wiser, more experienced ones in this situation. Where do you see opportunities to make changes that might lead us closer to that goal?
And, Millenials, we should be asking of ourselves, what do we think our future should look like? How do we take apart the situation our country is currently in and tease it out into something manageable? Though, I doubt very seriously it will be done without the help of our parents and grandparents, so go on and suck that up here and now. What is it that we want for America? How can we correct short-comings of current and previous policies that contained, within them, great ideas, and make them modern, functioning, prosperous policies?
And to everyone: How do we stop fighting with each other about our beliefs and get down to pulling this country back together? We don't really have a leg to stand on until we can at least all sit in a room together without trying to blow each other up over differences about abortion, gay marriage, birth control, and so on and so forth. If America, or the world for that matter, falls to pieces or we blow ourselves up we will have no social issues to fuss, fight, and kill over. Put it aside, there are bigger things afoot.
I would love nothing more than sit and have a chat with Professor Taplin. If for no other reason, than to witness an actual Boomer who is willing to not only share with me his perspective, but also listen to my perspective. To have someone to discuss these things with, and brainstorm ideas of how to start the wheels of change moving not as separate generations, but as a united front of citizens with different experiences and beliefs who are all fighting for the same thing: the American dream--in whatever we, together, decide that will be.
I actually first ran across responses to this letter from both a Gen X and a Millenial whilst piddling around on LinkedIn. I, of course, had to go back and read everything in chronological order, but, at the end, it all struck a deep, resonant chord within me. I have been planning to write about this for weeks, but have just found the time and soundness of mind to do so.
Taplin's letter is to, what I believe is, a college level communications class. I can't be sure what level precisely, but I imagine we aren't exactly dealing with incoming freshmen. At any rate, the topics he brings up and the manner in which he sets forth his class opening are quite revolutionary for me, personally, to hear from a Baby Boomer (although it could be that I am just not exposed to the most forward minded of Boomers).
I'll start with this quote:
The bottom line is that the world has come a long way, but from my perspective, we’re also living in uniquely worrisome times; my generation had dreams of how to make a better life that have remained woefully unfulfilled (leaving many of us cynical and disillusioned), but at the same time your generation has been saddled with the wreckage of our attempts and are now facing what may seem to be insurmountable odds. I’m writing this letter in the hopes that it will help set the stage for a truly cross-generational dialogue over the next sixteen weeks, in which I help you understand the contexts and choices that have brought us where we are today, and in which you help me, and one another, figure out the best way to move forward from here.
When I first read this, I was shocked. The Baby Boomers I come into contact with are sadly not interested in accepting anything but staunchly one-sided legislature and assuming that we Millennials are why the world is in the shape it is in today. There seems to be a lack of acceptance of responsibility by anyone at all, in fact.
Professor Taplin goes on to explain that his generation was dealt not only great national tragedy through the assassination of their political heroes, but also that they turned away from politics to escape that pain. During this time, some of the best entertainment and art was produced, and it was also the top selling entertainment of the time. Whereas now, the most artistic and thoughtful works of art (be it music, visual, or any other form) are no longer mainstream. What is main stream are the mass produced pop and hip-hop performers who fade in and out of our lives rarely producing anything as memorable as the music that came about from the Boomers' time (which, honestly, a considerable number of us Millenials are turning back to).
Side note: Some of the music I am currently catching dribbling out of my radio is a matter for another day though, but it is in my notes to discuss at some length.
Taplin also goes into how his generation also is experiencing extreme disappointment in how politics failed to actually improve the average American's life. The figures in his letter indicate that the median salary for the male worker has actually decreased since 1969! He makes so many excellent points that I could spend all day worshiping this piece of writing (one being that art could be a vehicle for bringing about change), but it ultimately leads into some of the same questions that I find myself (and my peers) worrying ourselves deeply over. More importantly, perhaps he offers the potential to finding the solutions to some of them as well.
As to those questions: Why is it that most Americans are stuck in middle class (if they have managed to even pull that off) while a tiny percentage own the vast majority of the wealth? Why has wealth become the tool with which government legislation happens? Why has our government become so obsessed with policing the entire world rather than policing our own policies? Why has our country become so divided along party lines that we are incapable of actually passing legislation? How are we, the Millennials who will be left with all of this, supposed to cope with and overcome the ever increasing pile of disasters on America and the world's plate?
I cannot possibly argue that there are not problems with my generation. We are certainly, at times, far too technology obsessed. We tend to be very focused on ourselves, our goals, and our comfort. However, there are enough of us conscious of the fact that the country is currently failing as a whole in terms of correctly serving the American public to begin to start trying to find a solution. However, none of us are in the boy's club (literally, often times) and, thus, we are met with condescension far too often when we try to enter into these conversations.
Every time even the notion of discussing politics comes up between myself and my parents, grandparents, etc it is met with a complete shut out. A total and utter refusal to even discuss the idea that maybe we could find some common ground. I am a liberal. I have betrayed my good ol' southern Baptist roots, and I (don't tell anybody at the church or, heaven forbid, my Grandmother just might be kicked out of potlucks) might almost be a democrat!
It is time for this to stop. There should be no argument coming from anyone that any political parties are currently working as they should and for whom they should.
The Republicans have, of late, been adopting the 4-year old tantrum strategy. While this is very effective for some 4 YEAR OLDS, it is not an effective way to run a country. You lost the election...twice. Put on your big girl panties, deal with it, and do your job. You wonder why the Republicans are losing the younger voters? Women voters? It's because they are too busy worrying about stamping their feet and who is in who's vagina to actually do their job. So no, I don't want you deciding who is president next.
If you don't like President Obama's policies and you think he is being a dictator, then stop sitting around with your fingers up your noses saying "I won't do anything if Obama likes it" and start coming up with suggestions that actually might work. You can just throw out the complete opposite of what Obama says either; that's no more helpful than flipping your boogers at him (which you must also really stop doing). There has to be some compromise between everyone.
The Democrats aren't much better either---they are just the older sibling that no one particularly likes. The Tattle-tale running about D.C. making sure everyone knows that the Republicans aren't doing anything, but what exactly are they doing? They can't get anyone to cooperate either. Maybe they are trying, but ultimately, they are failing. So I don't particularly want them deciding who is president next either.
I honestly don't like much of anything going on in Washington because, so far as I can tell, nothing of any actual use is getting done BY ANYONE! So stop with the standing outside the post office saying "Impeach Obama," because unless you've something to show me that actually constitutes impeachment, you are part of the problem.
All of America currently wants to stand around and point fingers at who screwed up. We all did---no one did----does it even matter who did?
Clearly the old boy's club model is not cutting it anymore. We need a new game plan. Everyone to the co-ed locker room, get the chalk, let's draw some stuff, see what we've got, and figure this pile of disasters out for God's sake!
To our elders: What were you hoping for your/our future to look like? What legislation did you think was going to make that change? What aspect of our country failed to foster that change or fulfill its obligations to make that change? You are supposed to be the wiser, more experienced ones in this situation. Where do you see opportunities to make changes that might lead us closer to that goal?
And, Millenials, we should be asking of ourselves, what do we think our future should look like? How do we take apart the situation our country is currently in and tease it out into something manageable? Though, I doubt very seriously it will be done without the help of our parents and grandparents, so go on and suck that up here and now. What is it that we want for America? How can we correct short-comings of current and previous policies that contained, within them, great ideas, and make them modern, functioning, prosperous policies?
And to everyone: How do we stop fighting with each other about our beliefs and get down to pulling this country back together? We don't really have a leg to stand on until we can at least all sit in a room together without trying to blow each other up over differences about abortion, gay marriage, birth control, and so on and so forth. If America, or the world for that matter, falls to pieces or we blow ourselves up we will have no social issues to fuss, fight, and kill over. Put it aside, there are bigger things afoot.
I would love nothing more than sit and have a chat with Professor Taplin. If for no other reason, than to witness an actual Boomer who is willing to not only share with me his perspective, but also listen to my perspective. To have someone to discuss these things with, and brainstorm ideas of how to start the wheels of change moving not as separate generations, but as a united front of citizens with different experiences and beliefs who are all fighting for the same thing: the American dream--in whatever we, together, decide that will be.
Friday, October 17, 2014
A Rough Week
I had a plan. An interesting discussion I wanted to start with anyone who might stumble upon my blog and, hopefully, soon to be regular readers. However, as sometimes happens with my brain, the past week got a bit derailed, and nothing quite went according to plan. By Sunday, I was struggling somewhere between complete devastation, fighting hysterical tears and a strange hybrid of abstract, yet somewhat rational, inexplicable anger.
Stop here and take a second out of your day---as though you weren't already---but try to get in my head for a minute here. Imagine the best day you can think of in your entire life thus far. Remember how you felt in that day, physically and emotionally, whatever it was. Proud, invincible, accomplished, worthy, strong...remember all of those feelings and soak them in for a minute.
Now, imagine the worst day you have ever had. I am talking the absolute lowest of the low; the point at which you were more miserable than you have ever been. And do the same thing, remember all the associated feelings, physical and emotional, that were associated with that day. Now soak those in for a moment.
To begin to understand this ridiculous, shattered thing I manage to call a life, you have to imagine that for some reason your brain magnified all of those emotions ten-fold, and that every day you woke up to one or both of those two options. There is not really any shade of grey. When you roll out of bed you are either the best you could ever possibly feel or the worst you can possibly imagine. To top that off, it can change with no warning---instantly or over time (an hour, a week, a month). For me, I never know how I will wake up, and I rarely stay in one mood for an entire day.
Now that you have a sort of understanding of the extreme range of emotions I am talking about, let me continue:
As I said, Two versions of me exist: the energetic, life-loving, speed demon, no one can stop me, I am confident and happy with my decisions, life is awesome me or crushing sadness and exhaustion, every part of me is physically in pain, self-deprecating, devaluing my every choice, inevitable failure, please let me wreck my car so life has to come to a screeching halt so I can catch up me.
Mind you, these two versions of me are not exactly friendly neighbors either. They loathe each other. Each hates the other. When manic, I tend to hate myself for being impulsive, envy myself for being able to sleep when I'm not manic. When depressed, I not only hate myself for being depressed, making choices that I have made (and know have made me happy), not being as successful or perfect as I thought I should be at 26, but also I hate other people for being happy.
So that's where I have been this past week. Primarily as the angry, hateful version of me---and she doesn't write a lot, but has a lot of ideas (which have been noted and will be fully explored at a later, more upbeat date :-P) . As I fumbled through my week, I had an encounter with someone who, albeit intoxicated and perhaps not to blame, said something to me that was very upsetting. Sadly, they were not the first to say this to me either; the first person to say it wasn't intoxicated either, so I'm not sure what her excuse was. Both of these people said, almost verbatim, "What are you depressed about? You have no reason to be depressed or suicidal. Your life could be so much worse."
I will never claim that I am not aware, even in my current state of crushing but functioning depression, that my life could not possibly be worse--it could. I could have been abused as a child. I could be addicted to drugs. I could have cancer. And so on and so forth. Yes, my life could be worse. I know this; even in my worst moments, when I want to be dead, I know that other people's lives are harder than mine and, perhaps, more worthy of misery (although no one deserves misery.)
What hurt me though is that these individuals felt like it was their place to judge my internal struggle, but even more so that they misunderstand mental illness in such a dire manner. Far too many people have no idea that depression/bipolar is not something I chose and not something I have any power to control. It is not just a phase, being upset, or anything that I can even define most days. I go to therapy. I take my meds exactly like I am told to. I do everything right. I always have---I've done everything "right" in fact, but here I stand...broken. Believe me, if I had any choice in the matter at all, I would not choose this for my absolute worst enemy.
More often than not, I do not know why I am depressed nor why I am so happy. The alternative to this is that there are so many things in my head that I can't even define one thing making me feel so awful or so amazing. I do not need a reason though. The reason I am depressed is because I (likely) have a genetic predisposition to a disease that affects the balance of chemicals in my brain. The imbalance of these chemicals causes my moods to shift from one extreme to another for NO REASON other than biology.
I write all this to pose a question: is part of the stigma associate with mental illness (particularly depression, bipolar, suicide attempts/thoughts) in the public due to such a ghastly misunderstanding of what these diseases are? Is the general public so misinformed as to think that you MUST have a reason that you can pinpoint to be depressed? More importantly, how do we raise awareness about this as something that we cannot control, but are not any less able adults than anyone else?
And for the record: it is never anyone's place to assume that we know enough about another person to know whether or not they are suffering nor what they might be suffering from. It is likely that even the person you are closest to suffers to some degree for some reason. To come up to someone whose story you have not even tried to begin to know or understand and tell them "You have no reason to be depressed"---well, as Meghan Trainor says in a song I heard the other day---"consider this an invitation and kiss my ass goodbye!"
Stop here and take a second out of your day---as though you weren't already---but try to get in my head for a minute here. Imagine the best day you can think of in your entire life thus far. Remember how you felt in that day, physically and emotionally, whatever it was. Proud, invincible, accomplished, worthy, strong...remember all of those feelings and soak them in for a minute.
Now, imagine the worst day you have ever had. I am talking the absolute lowest of the low; the point at which you were more miserable than you have ever been. And do the same thing, remember all the associated feelings, physical and emotional, that were associated with that day. Now soak those in for a moment.
To begin to understand this ridiculous, shattered thing I manage to call a life, you have to imagine that for some reason your brain magnified all of those emotions ten-fold, and that every day you woke up to one or both of those two options. There is not really any shade of grey. When you roll out of bed you are either the best you could ever possibly feel or the worst you can possibly imagine. To top that off, it can change with no warning---instantly or over time (an hour, a week, a month). For me, I never know how I will wake up, and I rarely stay in one mood for an entire day.
Now that you have a sort of understanding of the extreme range of emotions I am talking about, let me continue:
As I said, Two versions of me exist: the energetic, life-loving, speed demon, no one can stop me, I am confident and happy with my decisions, life is awesome me or crushing sadness and exhaustion, every part of me is physically in pain, self-deprecating, devaluing my every choice, inevitable failure, please let me wreck my car so life has to come to a screeching halt so I can catch up me.
Mind you, these two versions of me are not exactly friendly neighbors either. They loathe each other. Each hates the other. When manic, I tend to hate myself for being impulsive, envy myself for being able to sleep when I'm not manic. When depressed, I not only hate myself for being depressed, making choices that I have made (and know have made me happy), not being as successful or perfect as I thought I should be at 26, but also I hate other people for being happy.
So that's where I have been this past week. Primarily as the angry, hateful version of me---and she doesn't write a lot, but has a lot of ideas (which have been noted and will be fully explored at a later, more upbeat date :-P) . As I fumbled through my week, I had an encounter with someone who, albeit intoxicated and perhaps not to blame, said something to me that was very upsetting. Sadly, they were not the first to say this to me either; the first person to say it wasn't intoxicated either, so I'm not sure what her excuse was. Both of these people said, almost verbatim, "What are you depressed about? You have no reason to be depressed or suicidal. Your life could be so much worse."
I will never claim that I am not aware, even in my current state of crushing but functioning depression, that my life could not possibly be worse--it could. I could have been abused as a child. I could be addicted to drugs. I could have cancer. And so on and so forth. Yes, my life could be worse. I know this; even in my worst moments, when I want to be dead, I know that other people's lives are harder than mine and, perhaps, more worthy of misery (although no one deserves misery.)
What hurt me though is that these individuals felt like it was their place to judge my internal struggle, but even more so that they misunderstand mental illness in such a dire manner. Far too many people have no idea that depression/bipolar is not something I chose and not something I have any power to control. It is not just a phase, being upset, or anything that I can even define most days. I go to therapy. I take my meds exactly like I am told to. I do everything right. I always have---I've done everything "right" in fact, but here I stand...broken. Believe me, if I had any choice in the matter at all, I would not choose this for my absolute worst enemy.
More often than not, I do not know why I am depressed nor why I am so happy. The alternative to this is that there are so many things in my head that I can't even define one thing making me feel so awful or so amazing. I do not need a reason though. The reason I am depressed is because I (likely) have a genetic predisposition to a disease that affects the balance of chemicals in my brain. The imbalance of these chemicals causes my moods to shift from one extreme to another for NO REASON other than biology.
I write all this to pose a question: is part of the stigma associate with mental illness (particularly depression, bipolar, suicide attempts/thoughts) in the public due to such a ghastly misunderstanding of what these diseases are? Is the general public so misinformed as to think that you MUST have a reason that you can pinpoint to be depressed? More importantly, how do we raise awareness about this as something that we cannot control, but are not any less able adults than anyone else?
And for the record: it is never anyone's place to assume that we know enough about another person to know whether or not they are suffering nor what they might be suffering from. It is likely that even the person you are closest to suffers to some degree for some reason. To come up to someone whose story you have not even tried to begin to know or understand and tell them "You have no reason to be depressed"---well, as Meghan Trainor says in a song I heard the other day---"consider this an invitation and kiss my ass goodbye!"
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